Thursday, October 28, 2010
I'm not very frightened. It's a lot different now than the earlier days when your species was much younger and less advanced.
It was believed back then that the borders between the dimensions got thinner around that time of year, which was correct. It only happened once a year but demons found the portals from Eden to Earth and snuck through to eat your ancestors. Not many, mind you, but enough to scare the lice off medieval man.
We did our best over the years to slay the monsters before they did too much damage. And your forefathers thought their jack-o-lanterns worked! Oh that was funny...It was us! We killed the demons and kept them away until we were finally able to close the portal and set up a guard.
Then Samhain started teasing the Gaels and chased the vikings back to their longboats with demon masks made of wood. The Energy was not amused. It was so upset it took away Samhain's flying privileges and grounded him-indefinitely. That's a long time when your lifespan can be measured in centuries.
So a few hundred years later Hallow's Eve has changed. Instead of cowering inside your homes on that night, you wear costumes and beg for candy. What I don't understand is why do you send your miniatures out to do it? Apparently your species no longer fears the night if you are willing to send your nestlings out in it. Interesting.
Perhaps it is that your love of treats conquers your terror? Not that I blame you. I have seen the delicious varieties available from complete strangers. There's chocolate bars, chips, toffees, hard candies and more! I can't wait to eat it all!
Of course this means more exercising....Okay, now I'm scared.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
I have journeyed on water, land and in the air in my short stay on your planet, and it is clear you people don't understand the concept of 'smooth travel'. Oh, how I miss my wings...
Last week someone suggested I trying fishing...on a boat. This involves spine-jarring wave jumping at speeds that drill bugs into your pores. THEN you perch precariously for hours on the fragile surface of a substance you can't breathe in should you fall into it. Oh yes, that sounds most amusing.
Then there's driving. Did I mention traffic? Hundreds of you roaring back and forth past each other like jousting knights, oblivious to how close you are to cracking into each other. (I find it very useful to inform the person driving of this fact. It makes them more careful-you can tell by the gritting of their teeth that they're taking my advice seriously.)
Flying is somewhat better, but certainly flexible feathered wings work better in turbulence. More control. How come you don't make airplanes with flapping wings anyway? That reminds me...What are the little brown bags for?
You know what would be even better? I don't suppose you people could LEARN to evolve, could you? Grow wings of your own?
Thursday, October 14, 2010
No, we didn't have peanut butter in Eden. We never thought of such a thing. Nor did we think about things like food preparation. It was always warm, so we never needed fire. We didn't eat the animals so we never needed to cook.
We ate our fruits, vegetables and legumes raw, drank pure spring water....Hundreds of years of raw, boring same old food. How did I survive without Chinese noodles? Or Italian lasagna? Or Colombian coffee? Or baklava? I like baklava.
You humans are so lucky to have such a diverse menu! Every culture from all over the world has a different way of looking at it. I have to try it all! I work at it all day.
Which brings me to the extra padding...I SWEAR I thought I was evolving extra parts. Turns out my parts are just getting bigger.
One of my favorite humans brought me to the solution, which turns out to be 'Dance Class'....This activity involves jumping, clapping, stomping and much huffing and puffing.
It turns out you people never change. You claim to have outlawed torture. I think you just changed the name to 'exercise'. And you do it in voluntary groups. I can't believe you pay for this.
You people are sick.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
It's a lot of fun to jump into huge heaps of leaves too, but does this ritual usually involve the cursing and swearing of the human with the rake? What purpose does it serve?
Speaking of weird rituals, I have just witnessed your male bonding rites known as hunting. This involves donning orange vests along with other garments in brown and green. (When I obsessed about fashion last week, I had no idea men wore such ugly costumes for their manhood rites. And these colors don't even look good together!)
Then they perch in one spot for hours. Waiting. Why can't you men use this skill for when we try on clothing at the mall?
And they cheat! Guns against antlers? Of course the Energy didn't give you horns of your own, but when your species was younger, the playing field was a little more fair. All that running away was great exercise too. Of course your kind didn't always live through the encounter.
Oh....I get it. Nevermind.