Thursday, March 31, 2011

Hello? Is this thing on?

Hello? Is this thing on?

So….This is the loathsome one’s so called ‘blog’. Mine now! I can use this to lure unsuspecting victims to my lair...I mean...camper.
You humans come in such a variety of sizes, flavors, and colors. The beauty of eating sentient food is their reaction to being eaten. If you can get the right amount of fear and adrenaline, it adds a little spice. Already dead folks taste like chicken.
On second thought, I don’t like this blogging. Through this box I can speak to millions of your kind, but I can’t eat them. It’s like a vending machine, and I have no currency.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Dawn of the Dead after Beer

     I am dying. Headaches and nausea. The world swims before my eyes while I look for convenient places to launch my lunch from my suffering stomach. I’ve been told this is my first hangover.
     I am not being dramatic. I’ve said it before, and you people have proven me correct time and time again-You are all crazy.
     Is this a ritual to initiate unsuspecting new mortals like me? Is it supposed to be this painful?  Well it’s not funny.
     At least no one painted me like they did Peter. The smell of Sharpie Markers and peach lip gloss turn my stomach, over and over and ov….(urp!)
      Screw this. I’m going back to bed.

Photo by:Michal Marcol/

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Why is my beer green?

     I like beer.  You humans, particularly Canadians, have a certain affinity for it.
     You drink it at sports games, while watching sports on TV, sitting on the patio, sitting in the basement, standing in a bar.
     You drink it at weddings, graduations, or because it’s Saturday and it’s warm out. Which isn’t sush a bad idea. Don’t mind if I have another.
     And there’s so many kinds. The whole planet makes some type of beer. Tsintao, Tuborg, Heinieken, did I spell that right?
      Did you know we don’t have beer in Eden? And we shertainly don’t have clamato juice there. Probably a good thing. Yuck. Who would put mollusks in perfec(hic)-ly good beer?
     I like limes. I like limes in my Corona. Now THAT’S good beer! I even like thish green crap.
     I like beer…Did I menshun that? There’s only one thing wrong with it. The bottles are too small.
     Sho glad you invented a holiday for thish shtuff!
     Es-shoos me…I need another.  

Photo by: Filomena Scalise/

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Save the Daylights!

A whole day dedicated to saving daylight? I don't get it. I didn't know there was a shortage. We're in a lot of trouble here....

This is another holiday ritual I don't understand, right?

Is this the reason I had to get a watch? So I could turn it forward an hour on Sunday? How strange. What does it mean?

Wait...Excuse me? I have to get up an hour earlier?! That doesn't sound like much of a holiday at all! You humans are crazy...

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Pedicures what ails me.

I found it! Paradise on Earth! And there's so many of them.  I believe you call them 'spas'.

Never before have I experienced such pampered, delightful...relaxing....zzzz.

Whoops. I digress. I love what all the slimy concoctions they put on my face do to my skin. After several hundred years, I felt I needed some help. Not to mention your unpredictable weather and gravity has tainted my glow. Hmph!

And the massage! Oh that IS a measure of heaven. I could have used those after some long flights. Mind you, I don't know how the masseuse would have worked around my wings...

But my favorite is the pedicure! Now that I spend my time walking rather than flying, my feet have become alarmingly crusty. So someone shaves them for me and painted my nails with any color I choose? It's divine. And shiny.

They tell me I'm ready for flip-flop season.
Flip-flop season? Oh dear, that doesn't sound good....How much flopping are we talking about?

Photo by africa/