Thursday, March 26, 2015

Why Can't I be a Morning Person?

My new favorite. Takes a little longer, but easy and worth it!
Does anyone else have this problem? I am an insomniac--mostly. I was kinda born that way. My mother complained often of my absolute unwillingness to sleep from pretty much day one. I don't like sleep and I don't really know why. I still resist it like a bratty child. Sometimes I don't have to resist--It isn't coming. Did it have to do with the fact that my daddy worked night shift? Are my rhythms off? Did growing up in a haunted house effect me to the point where I simply CAN'T sleep at night? I don't know.

Want to know something weird? I didn't start sleeping properly until I moved to a city. Nothing erks me worse than complete silence. The only thing worse, is complete silence interrupted by say, a howling coyote, or creaking floors, and other noises that interrupt that eerie, complete quiet. Ugh...

I'd like to be a morning person. I'm so much more productive that way. The sun is shining, people are up and about their business, and everything operates as normal, including me.

On Tuesday, for the first time in months, I woke up at 5 a.m. Okay, SPARTACUS JONES woke me up at 5 a.m...I got up, and fed my cats and realized I probably wouldn't sleep. (I tried until 6:30 actually) So I got up, made coffee and breakfast, and tackled my day. I did a  rough draft on a synopsis, 1200 new words written, walls washed, desk cleaned, linens washed and I COOKED, as in three different meals! All while herding two cats and a troll, I might add.

Do you know what happens when I wake up at my usual time of Ten a.m.? Not a hell of a lot. I can't even figure out what kind of meal to wake up to. Breakfast? Lunch? Brunch? THEN  what do I do? I've wasted my morning, so do I write? Do chores? Run errands? Which one? There isn't time for all of them...Not if you're trying to get to bed early. Which I apparently never do.

MY FAVORITE BREAKFAST: The one you saw on Facebook...That's where I found it, in a language I didn't understand. But do you think I could find the video for this blog? Nope.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Separate egg yolks from whites. Whip egg whites with a pinch of cream of tar tar until it looks like frothy white icing, and forms small peaks. I do my mixer on low, and ease up to high. Fry your bacon or sausage while doing this, on medium high heat.

Place whipped egg whites in an oven safe dish, taking care to make a 'well' or deep hole for the yolks. Pour yolks into those wells. Keep an eye on your meat ;)

Bake eggs in oven for about ten minutes, longer if you don't like your yolks runny.

Remove bacon or sausage, and blot them on a napkin. (saves a shocking amount of calories-like 300 or so, I've heard) Season your eggs with salt and pepper after you remove them to a plate. Eat and enjoy <3 The more you do it, the easier it becomes.

BTW: Even if you break your yolks, you can drizzle them over the whipped whites and it will still taste pretty awesome :)

Thursday, March 19, 2015

How to Tell if Your Human Worships You.

Psst...She's asleep!
My writer needs a nap. She's been working hard at looking for a job, writing and spring cleaning. We'll let her sleep, and I, Spartacus will point out to all you felines the various ways you can tell when your human is a little too obsessed with you. This will help you learn the train-ability of your human and allow you to determine their place in the event of the global cat domination.

1. That flashy thing. If you have a human, chances are your human has one of those annoying flashy things. They point it at you constantly, no matter what you are doing and will spare you no decorum or dignity. This is an unfortunate thing that cat obsessed humans do, and cannot be avoided. Be adorable whenever possible. It will lead to expensive toys and treats once you master 'The Cuteness'. Which leads us to...
Ugh! No privacy to be had!
2. Insufferable Cutesy Nicknames. It is the absurd habit of people to give you one name, but call you by a variety of others. These include, but are not limited to: Sweetie-kitty, Handsome-boy, Little-Man, Sweet-boy, Baby, etc, fill-in-your-humiliating-moniker-here. The good news is, you can pick and choose which one, if any, you will respond to. I myself only respond to Baby. You would too, with a name like Spartacus Thomas Jones Milward.
It could be worse...I could be 'Mittens'.

3.They will share their noms. Once you have mastered 'The Cuteness', stealing noms becomes easy. This also works on forbidden surfaces like counter tops. The worst that can happen is being 'shooed', and the rewards outweigh the possibility of needing to execute a hasty landing.
Always be photogenic when sneaking noms.

4. The Constant Cuddle. Obsessed humans always feel the need to pick you up, and cuddle you. I suspect it is due to their lack of fur. They covet the soft warmness that we have and feel the need to rub it upon themselves. This too can be used to your advantage, and for training. How, you ask?
Sigh...Mommy loves me. A LOT.

5. They will remain motionless for your benefit. The devoted human will endure extended minutes of discomfort to avoid disturbing you. It is the true indicator of gauging your human's commitment. Feel free to perch on whichever body part you find comfortable. A worthy human will suppress tingling nerves, hunger and even the need to urinate in order to maintain your happiness. Feel free to nap. Feel free to interrupt THEIR time on their poo-pond. If they are willing to sit on their wet white seat, in the dark, while you enjoy a siesta in their lap, you have an obsessed human, and therefore a dedicated minion when cats take over the world.
She makes a great cat bed.

These are but five reliable indicators of fanatical behaviors in the species Homo Sapien. If you are lucky enough to find such a human, congratulations. If you are not, don't worry. Humans are highly susceptible to cuteness and easily trained.  Maybe some time soon I will tell you the finer points of 'The Cuteness', and how to use it. 
Yes. They keep me on a pedestal.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Don't Quit the Day Job

You know what I learned this week? Job hunting sucks! Yeah, yeah, I know...Poor BABY! But seriously, you don't know how long it's been since I've had to look. Try 2002.

That was the meatcutting job at Champions, after Save-On-Foods.  There were two other jobs after that, but I didn't need to apply to them. I got 'head-hunted'. I literally got phone calls at home, asking if I wanted to come work for them. Sigh...I miss that.

I left Champions (again) five years ago, when new owners took over (again). I was burned out and just didn't want to go back. The idea was that I would stay home and make a living writing novels...

BWAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHA!! Yeah, we know how THAT went!

My advice to anyone else with that plan is this: Don't quit that day job. Stay in the loop. Stay in touch with former bosses and co-workers and take a few shifts here and there at least.  Do some volunteer work, and get yourself out of the house.

I'm probably the only one dumb enough to follow Plan A to a 'T' but in case you are wondering, Plan A was pretty flawed. Five years after leaving my promising trade, I'm scrambling to even find references. I'm lucky that my boss from McKernan, who I haven't seen in eight years didn't change his number and remembered me. My most recent reference came from the Food Bank I volunteered at two years ago.

I've gained a lot of weight sitting at this desk, which will also make it harder when I finally find work.  Keeping a job would have made a big difference there too.  Back then, I believed working would take time away from writing. Did you know lack of exercise and social interaction can cause writer's block? Trust me on that.

Needless to say, I've been humbled. I'm looking forward to sweating and aching and sleeping well. Wish me luck on my new chapter, the one I'm NOT actually 'writing'.