Earth to Thoeba

Nietzche Drives Me Nuts

2012-03-08T09:36:00.000-08:00

I dislike Nietzche. Not because he's a pompous misogynistic, anti-Semite. No. I dislike him because he makes me feel like an uneducated yutz. I'm so frustrated! How am I supposed to learn anything from this guy if I can't understand what he's trying to say?

Here's an example, taken from The Birth of Tragedy: "One need only to reflect more deeply on the linguistic difference with regard to color, syntactical structure, and vocabulary in Homer and Pindar, in order to understand the significance of this contrast; indeed, it becomes palpably clear that in the period between Homer and Pindar the orgiastic flute tones of Olympus must have been sounded, which, even in Aristotle's time, when music was infinitely more developed, transported people to drunken ecstasy, and which, in their primitive state of development, undoubtedly incited to imitation all the poetic means of expression of contemporaneous man."

To which I reply..."Huh?"

As a writer I can't really wrap my head around works so badly in need of an editor. Wordy much? Grammar would be nice. Notice that it's one long sentence? I have to read stuff like this several times before I get the jist of his babbling.

I'm starting to think;

a) He was making a concerted effort to be as academic and snooty as possible. He had a lot of critics, and maybe this was his way of saying, "I can use bigger words and sentences than you. Can you hear me now?"

b)Or these are the rantings of a complete lunatic. After all, he did die a demented recluse.

I hear all the time what a genius he was. I think the emperor has no clothes. Do people applaud his musings because to admit he confuses them means they feel as stupid as I do? Can someone enlighten me?

Yowls Well that Ends Well.

2012-03-01T12:44:00.000-08:00

Ernest Hemingway collected cats. According to him, one cat leads to another.
Like tattoos and other forms of pain. How did he get anything writing done with all that caterwauling? That would be like me trying to write while listening to Megadeth.

The cutie in the photo is Sully. He is the latest edition (we hope) to our family, and the current reason for my exhaustion. Funny how alert one becomes when awakened from a deep sleep by low growls outside the bedroom door.

Being a relatively new pet owner, I was unprepared for the hissing, biting, screaming and territorial posturing involved. The cats were bad too. I think Freya secretly watches Bruce Lee movies.

But it's Day Four and I see a light at the end of the tunnel. They spend a lot of time close to one another without any freak outs. But I don't think I'm supposed to know that. It's like they deliberately howl in unison the minute I walk in the room-just to milk it a little. Because aggravating the human is fun.

You know what I've learned? That my cat Freya is a domineering, loud, little bitch that doesn't care if you're bigger than her. It's HER way or NO WAY.

I wonder where she got that from?

By any other name...

2012-02-16T10:37:00.000-08:00

As my Summer release date approaches and encouragement and congratulations roll in, something occurs to me. And I know I won't get any more work done until I address it.

I frequently find myself in the awkward position of telling publishers, friends, readers and fellow bloggers they are pronouncing and/or spelling 'Thoeba' incorrectly.

It 'o' before 'e', not the other way around. And it's not pronounced 'Theeba' like Phoebe from 'Friends'. Nope. It's pronounced with an 'oh'. As in 'toe' with a 'th' sound in front of it. Thoh-bah.

Sorry.

You'd think that someone who wants to establish a long career in writing would name their first novel something a little more memorable and user friendly. Yeah, that would have been the smart thing to do. Again...sorry.

Why did I do it? I blame my sub-conscious mind.

When I was fourteen years old, I had a bad dream. I was a naked angel hiding in a garden. I crouched behind the hydrangeas clutching a crystal, knowing I had to protect it at all costs. A man and his children tried to coax me out, but I saw demons circling overheard and knew they were searching for me. These idiots were going to give me away!

They appealed to me, patting their chests and saying their names. I tried to respond, but the only thing I could say was, "Thoh-bah! Thoeba!" And it's been that way ever since, even the weird spelling.

So now you know. I could never bring myself to change it. At least I have the knowledge that the book title and my character's name will remain unique. Nobody else will be dumb enough to copy my example. ;)

A week and a day late.

2012-02-03T09:16:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know. Thoeba and I didn't post last week. Or yesterday. Truth is, after almost two and a half years, I felt like I had nothing interesting to say. It's hard to come up with discoveries that would be new for Thoeba after all this time. She was getting as bored as the rest of us. Oh, and did I mention I was really busy?

So it gives me great pleasure to unveil the new cover for Thoeba. Isn't it awesome?

For those of you who know me, or read this blog, you'll remember that I lost my publishing contract. My previous publisher was great about it, taking the time to introduce me to another. Lucky for me, Heather Savage at Staccato Publishing read 'Thoeba' and signed me up.

Needless to say, I'm ecstatic. Things are looking up again. We're hoping for a spring release and I'm currently doing new drafts for my second novel 'Aphrodite's War'. Soon I'll work on the outline for a third novel with the working title 'Chasing Monsters'. And there's the sci-fi erotica. (I'll be using a pseudonym for that one.)And my work with Edmonton Paranormal is gearing up nicely. Yes, I'm kind of swamped, but it's a great place to be.

Thoeba and I are back, and looking forward to the future. We'll see you there.

I like sl-zzzzzzzz...

2012-01-19T10:21:00.000-08:00

This post is so very late. Because I slept very late. Thanks to a human condition known as insomnia. Things were much simpler in Eden. We were never too cold to sleep and we had so few worries to keep us awake.
Now here I sit in the dead of winter dreading drafts and fussing over work and its making me tired and weird. Some things are excessively funny at 2 a.m. on the internet.
http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/8/26/dudexanax128642391274241200.jpg
And I could have done without dreaming about the naked German guy.

Photo by:smokedsalmon@FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Gimme a Pee!

2012-01-11T08:11:00.000-08:00

This is new...and not in a good way.
It's called getting a 'physical' And I'm afraid I'd rather not!
I know, I know. Mankind has come a long way from the medicine men of old. I understand no one's going to chant at me and shake bones in my face.
But no one told me they were going to steal my blood with a sharp instrument. Or make me urinate in a cup.
I didn't see any lizard skins or rattles, but I'm not sure...eight years of school, you say? To collect bodily fluids? Your ancestors had it easy.
So what do they do with the stuff? Divine your future?

Photo by :jscreationzs at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Happy New Year...burp!

2012-01-05T08:42:00.000-08:00

Not that I keep track. When one has lived for hundreds of years, one has a tendency to miss such things as 'New Years'. And one doesn't usually eat and drink so much in Eden.

I know now why Resolutions are so necessary. And why so many of them are about weight loss. I crave vegetation. I will not miss chocolate, alcohol, or rich savory foods.

Well...at least not until Valentine's Day.

Photo by Sarunya_foto@FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I Like Stuff!I

2011-12-29T06:56:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas! See these delicious little cups of custard topped with malt sugar and fruit? My writer's beloved made creme brulee. He also made the lamb dinner. I've often said you humans are obsessed with food. This week I don't mind. However I should note that Pepto Bismol should be included in the stocking stuffers. Along with Aspirin. That was a LOT of wine and beer.

The company was great too. Besides my writer and her husband we were joined by my writer's younger sibling and a family friend. Giggling after pigging out is fun, but it can't be good for the digestive system.

Best of all were the presents! I like stuff!

I got a Thesaurus, (Because you humans keep changing the meanings of your own words and making up new ones) a chainmail bracelet handmade by Rebecca Bartlett, soaps and lotions that smell better than they taste, a GPS, (why must humans keep changing the face of the planet?), and a toy named 'Chewbacca' that growls at me when I squeeze him. That little item came from the sibling called Jody. Still better than a chia pet.

How was your Christmas? Was that fat guy in the red suit good to you too?

All I want for Christmas

2011-12-22T09:49:00.000-08:00

It's almost here! Another Christmas! And I'm excited and hopeful.
I want only one thing, and Santa can't give it to me. Only one person can.

That person is hopefully my new publisher. IF she becomes my new publisher.
For those of you who read this blog, you will know we had a setback due to illness. Vamptasy Publishing had to downsize, and thanks to shipping issues, we were probably among the first to go.

Our contract is up in 90 days, and we are on amicable terms. Nicola is doing her very best to find us a new home with a new publishing house. Wish us luck.

All I want for Christmas is a new contract with a new publisher. In the meantime, 'Thoeba' is still available at www.vamptasypublishing.co.uk

Things you never want to see under your tree.

2011-12-15T07:18:00.000-08:00

This may only be my second mortal Christmas, but I already know there are certain things you don't give your friends and family...unless you don't like them. Yet every year thousands are victimized with these tacky items and they have to smile over their eggnog and pretend they like their present.

#5 Pot of Gold chocolates-This is a generic gift that says "I have no idea what you like, so I'm going to give you cheap mediocre chocolate." Sure, there's a variety...of crap. Ever tasted them?

#4 McDonald's Gift Certificates-This gift says "I'm cheap and I hope you get fat and have a heart attack." For maximum annoyance, give to a vegetarian.

#3 The Christmas Sweater- I just have one word for this gift...Why?

#2 Chia Pets- What goes through the mind of someone who gives this gift? Probably nothing. Or maybe they think they're being funny.

And the number one worst gift on my list...?

#1 The Snuggie- This gift says "I think you are too stupid to operate a blanket."

Everyone has a horror story about gifts they've received that required them to plaster happy expressions on their faces in the midst of horror.

I would love to hear some of yours.

Photo by: Ambro FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Time for a Holiday

2011-12-08T10:30:00.000-08:00

Rush. Rush. Rush. Interesting how your species first invented days, calenders, hours and minutes. Then they invented stress. Great idea! You get so much more done in a week. Time is money and people have lots to do. Especially doctors and nurses.

Nothing, not even caffeine, gets me going faster than waking up and looking at the clock to discover I slept in and I'm WAY behind. Except maybe the fact that I have nothing in mind for a new blog that should have been out hours ago.

Here's an idea. Let's all slow down. Stop putting time constraints and expectations on ourselves. Let's take naps. We'll live longer and be happier...

Yeah, I didn't think so. I can't do it either.

Photo by: africa@freedigitalphotos.net

Celebrating Walking Tablescraps.

2011-12-01T07:13:00.000-08:00

Oh for the love of the Energy...Do you know what today is? It's the cat's birthday. Freya is a year old.

My writer fed her Turkey and Giblets Pate and cat milk for breakfast, (her favorite)and later today she's taking her to Petsmart to pick out whatever she wants. (most likely a nice tasty parakeet) To top it all off, Petsmart sent a birthday coupon for a toy! No doubt there will be extra salmon bites today as well.

All this for a cat that doesn't flush her litter box. Who claws at legs and furniture and jumps on sleeping heads at 2 a.m. while chasing headlights on the wall. (yes, that's the bed she's lounging on in the photo) Who complains non-stop about not being able to go out in freezing cold weather. (like I had something to do with it. Sorry cat, long distance charges to the maker are enormous.) All this for an animal that still isn't big enough to eat.

Oh wait...are we fattening her up for Christmas Dinner?

We are Experiencing Technical Difficulties

2011-11-24T08:49:00.000-08:00

This is the first time I'm writing this blog as myself, and not as 'Thoeba'.
Sorry, but I can't muster her flippant, light-hearted amusement for our planet this week.
You see I lost my publishing contract. Due to illness, my company decided to downsize. Thanks to Canadian shipping costs and distribution issues, I was probably the first one to go.
I don't blame my publisher, she tried her best and is still trying to find Thoeba a new home, but it looks like it will be awhile before we will see Thoeba on a shelf near you.
Don't worry. We're down, but not out. These kinds of things happen, and the only way to deal with it is to move forward.
Thoeba will be her odd and sassy self in no time. Please stand by.

Another Excuse to Play

2011-11-17T09:06:00.000-08:00

My writer is a basketcase. As usual. She's planning a Tupperware/Christmas party. Sometimes I think she ENJOYS being stressed out. Like she does it on purpose.
It's her intention to serve food and alcohol, display and demonstrate a few Tupperware products, and keep her guests entertained. She's going to need a lot more beer.
Why does she do it? Even she isn't sure. Personally, I think she's a glutton for punishment. Not to mention she'll use any reason for a party. You humans will employ any excuse for silliness and debauchery. I'm in!

This planet is disgusting!

2011-11-10T08:00:00.000-08:00

My writer is cleaning the house again, top to bottom. Didn't she do this in the spring? I remember, she called it Spring cleaning. Everything was taken off the walls, and those walls were washed. Then she cleans all the pictures and puts them back. She launders all the linens, steams the rugs, and dusts in nooks and crannies no one can even fit into. Now she's doing it again.
She tells me everything gets dirty in a house, whether you can fit into the crannies or not. Why? I asked.
Because of dust, hair, skin cells,etc. But she only has one cat, how much mess can one white feline make? No, she tells me. Dirt comes from outside and dust is in the air. Humans lose hair and skin cells every day.
EEEeeeewww! You mean to tell me EVERYTHING sheds?!

Hallo-eek!

2011-11-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

Ooh. My second Halloween. And I still can't get over how your species has evolved! A mere one hundred years ago your kind spent this time cowering in your hovels expecting to be devoured by denizens of Hell.
Now you deliberately decorate, party, and wear costumes. You even send your miniatures out to ask for candy.
This year I got into it. I disfigured a pumpkin and put out lanterns. I donned a new persona and greeted the wee ones as they flocked to the door. I rather enjoyed it.
But I can't help but notice...You're still handing out food. I think you humans have holidays just so you can indulge in sugar. Not that I blame you. Good thing your kind invented 'the workout'.

Fall of a Season

2011-10-27T10:32:00.000-07:00

I love this time of year! It's not too hot or too cold. The loud and pesky miniatures go back to school and Christmas is coming. But most of all, I love the changing of the leaves.
Only the Energy could paint the landscape of an entire country like a tapestry of fireworks that are a pleasing to the eye as joy to the heart. Like a cornucopia of visual pleasure...
Too bad he made the following season black and white. That way we'd appreciate it so much more when spring returns with another explosion of color.
That's the Energy for you, always looking out for our best interests and personal growth. Personally, I suspect It thinks that's funny. I told you the Energy has a strange sense of humor.

I Get By With a Little Help

2011-10-20T09:46:00.000-07:00

I've been on this planet for some time now, and you humans have truly grown on me. Of course there are a select few of you I appreciate more than others. I have noticed a tendency to cluster in groups with these particular people. They are the ones who share the same interests and values as I do. The ones I tell my innermost secrets with, all my troubles and triumphs. Strangely enough, these are the same mortals that seem to make special occasions and holidays better. More fun, somehow. It's as though these people add a little extra seasoning to everyday life, to make it more palatable.
What do you call them again? Oh yes...friends.
I've yet to decide if I prefer quality or quantity. Can I have both?

Germ of an idea

2011-10-13T10:29:00.000-07:00

For the second time since I've been on your planet, I'm sick. Not just a few snuffles, either. I mean questionable tummy problems, and ribs that ache from endless hacking and coughing.
I had wanted to write about Thanksgiving-that holiday you people have where you thank the Energy by stuffing your faces full of turkey and pie.
I would have loved to do that, but everyone at our table was recovering from a cold/flu including us, and we all got it back with a vengence.
Why would the Energy invent the germ? Do germs have souls? What kind of personality would you have to have in order to survive by making your host sick? Are there tiny little purgatories of not-very-nice souls who live short little lives for a few days duration at a time...?
Oh dear...maybe it's time to lay off the Benylin.

Ghostwalking for answers

2011-10-06T13:48:00.000-07:00

I attended my first paranormal retreat. My human writer goes to Edmonton Paranormal Investigative Center meetings and writes for their newsletter. EPIC arranged for a little get together outside Stony Plain, Alberta.
It was great fun! Normally walks in the dark forest and sitting silently in a black room wouldn't tickle my fancy, but it's much different when you are searching for the deceased.
Why do some human souls stay behind? What are they afraid of? Why cling on to the old life when a new one awaits?
I think they are frightened of the Energy or maybe ashamed of the things they did with this life. The Energy knows humans aren't perfect. Do they think It will punish them for the way they were created?
Isn't it strange how the greatest mystery of life is what happens after death? The only way to figure it out is to stop living. All humans find the answer when they die, but can't tell the living what they learned.
What a great cosmic joke. The Energy has a weird sense of humor.

The Sacred Truth

2011-09-29T09:51:00.000-07:00

There is no beginning, because there will never be an end. Life has always been and always will be, for we are created by powerful forces that cannot be destroyed. Only returned and recycled to new life.
Even the long lived Energy has seen many changes and facets. Although flawless, It strives to add to Its perfection as time teaches patience.
The Life force we know as ‘The Energy’ has many names. Yahweh, Jehovah, Buddah, Vishnu and God are but a few of them, and only the ones known by this dimension.
The Energy has constructed many worlds and different realities called ‘Realms of Life.’ One might find any manner of creature in any of these unknown places. You might find vampires living among mortals, or dragons hunting elves, or perhaps you’ll find a silver skinned alien. Perhaps one might find life forms not yet dreamed of by humans.
The first were the angels, radiant beings of light. They burst forth from the Energy like an explosion, billions of them screaming forth in the joy of existence.
Each one unique, beautiful and loved.
The Energy wove time and space for them, created a world to delight their senses and give them a home where they could love and play forever.
But good cannot exist without evil. Love cannot exist without hate. With each new beauty the Energy created, a hellish void expanded.
Darkness became anathema, the counterpart to any perfection belonging to the Energy.
Although without a true soul, the entity behind the eternal night evolved minions of It’s own, spawning demons like a grotesque hive queen.
These creatures of hatred and nightmare would make their way to the home of the Energy and It’s celestial children, to Eden.
And the residents of the world of light were seduced with lies, betrayed and killed to sate the pleasures of the dark ones, who know only destruction.
The cost to Eden was enormous. Grief and suffering invaded the tranquility of the heavens. The Energy and It’s creations learned to fight and defend. And to bury their dead.
The offspring of the Energy are beings of the pure power of the universe and can never truly die.
But they were changed, tainted from the darkness. They could not come back.
So the Energy created new homes for these lost souls, new worlds where short lives were lived for lessons to learn. Their telepathic abilities were stunted to understand compassion through listening and acting.
The pure children of the Energy watched over the humans, dwarves and aliens in all the Realms of Life.
Some of the angels coveted the worship of the Energy, desiring the glory given to the supreme deity. They were the first to leave of free will, the fallen.
They founded temples and religions of their own, banding together to concentrate their meager powers to sway the masses. In time, mankind forgot them, and returned their faith to the Energy.
These lost angels languish in a hell of their own making. Unable to die, and unable to go home to Eden, they wilt to the point of madness with no one but their corrupted selves to acknowledge their existence.
And as the darkness gains strength through the misunderstandings of humanity, and the diminishing numbers of guardians, The Energy grows weak….

They say it's my Birthday

2011-09-22T12:13:00.000-07:00

So I guess it's my birthday. Not that I noticed. When several hundred years you be, celebrate birthdays you will not, hm? So...how did I determine it's my birthday? Easy. My writer started writing about my two years ago this month. One year ago she started blogging about me and the things I learn here on your planet. If you look into my archives you will find out how I discovered things like Holidays, fashion, food and beer. Oh and food. Food was definitely a big one. That reminds me...I hear these kind of celebration requires cake? How many do I get? Only one? How are you going to fit 900 candles on one cake? And presents. I'm going to get presents, right? Wonderful! So...What are you all getting me?

Photo by: digitalart FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Thoeba goes to the movies

2011-09-08T12:32:00.000-07:00

3-D movies are a fabulous human adventure! I thought television was impressive. I thought big screens were fascinating. Then I saw my first movie, Conan the Barbarian in 3-D. The incredible scenery and dimensions of the film reminded me of Eden with it's intensity. And Jason Momoa...if I didn't know better I would believe he was one of our kind. Isn't he perfect? Sigh.
It was truly like being there. Like flying into perfect sunsets. I remembered what it was like to fly. Did I mention how beautiful Jason Momoa is?
Someday, I'd like my story to be told on such a massive outlet...To have my own movie in 3D. Wouldn't that be fun? Oh, and could Jason Momoa be in it? Maybe as a love interest?

Oh, they're going back?

2011-08-31T14:37:00.000-07:00

Yes! They're going back! Huzzah! No more booger-bearing elves underfoot. No more screeching miniatures ruining a trip to the park. The halflings with their texting and slang will no longer haunt the malls. They'll all be locked up during the day and adults will once again take over the world!

Sigh...It's so quiet.

Tupperwhat?

2011-08-25T11:08:00.000-07:00

y human writer has introduced me to a new ritual called 'The Tupperware Party". Apparently she's decided to sell it. When I ask why, she says writers don't make much money. Who knew?
Here's how it went. She passes around a plastic bowl full of plastic gadgets. Everyone takes one and squeals in delight. She then shows them how to prepare chips and salsa using a plastic machine that doesn't use electricity, and she puts it all in plastic bowls. Everyone says things like 'ooh' and 'ahhh.' They drink jello shooters from plastic shot glasses and pass around plastic bowls and sandwich keepers. More interesting noises. Everyone orders some, and guess how they pay? You guessed it. Plastic.
You people have come a long way from clay urns and metal coins.

Humans on the edge...er, Fringe

2011-08-18T07:48:00.000-07:00

Some humans work. Some have hobbies. Others wrap themselves in plastic wrap and time how long it takes them to get out.
Thus, I attended my first Fringe festival in Edmonton. What is wrong with these people? I saw one woman who sprayed herself with silver paint and posed to Lady Gaga songs. Another did aerobatics with long ribbons suspended from a rickety contraption high in the air. Worse yet, another man jabbed meathooks into his face.
This passes for entertainment on your planet?
And what possesses a person to do this for small change? How does one decide to evolve into a weirdo? Why do I want to watch?
That's it. It's official. I am now as crazy as the rest of you. Maybe I'll take up hang gliding to fit in and learn to fly again. Apparently risking my life and limb is no stranger than SOME people's pastimes.

Why do they call it a bookworm?

2011-08-11T10:26:00.000-07:00

I think I understand that term now. A good book is worth devouring. You would think after nearly a year on this planet, and having my own story put to computer and paper that I would have discovered the all-consuming passion of reading.
It amazes me how you humans can find the time in your bustling, busy lives with your cell phones, computers and vehicles to sit and peruse a handful of typewritten pages.
But it truly is relaxing to bite into a bundle of pages filled with worlds you dream up.
My species doesn't do that. I suppose it's because we've BEEN to the worlds to think you've created and our lives and memories are long. Glad to know you still remember your travels as otherworldy beings. It's refreshing to view your writings from a mortal perspective.

photo by : dan FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Mosquitos suck!

2011-08-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

I am sure we are all wonder why the Energy created the mosquito. I wish I knew!! Why would a benevolent, loving entity create a blood-sucking miniature version of a demonic vampire?
Summers are not short enough without the torment of itchy bites and incessant whining in our ears?
They will eat at you and your children! They will interrupt your sleep with their irritating hum. You will itch, you will bitch-LOUDLY!
Is this what the Energy wants?
Perhaps so. This might be the only way you will go back to civilization and raise your seedlings.

Photo by: Christian Meyn/FreeDigitalPhotos.Net

Winner,winner, I like chicken!S

2011-07-28T15:40:00.000-07:00

o my first contest is done! Thanks for participating! Here are the wins from third to first, the opposite of how they were picked because I don't do things like you humans do.

Third prize went to Charlotte Blackwell of Calgary, Alberta! Charlotte wins an e-book copy of THOEBA.

Second prize went to Jessica Griffin of Edmonton, Alberta. She also wins an e-book copy of THOEBA.

Finally, the winner of an e-book and the gstainless steel garnet necklace is....KELLY MOEN.

Thank you all three of you for promoting Thoeba as much as you did. Yay!

My extra SPECIAL book-birthday blog

2011-07-21T08:20:00.000-07:00

It's here! My book birthday is unofficially upon us! I say 'unofficially' because the release date is actually listed at August 1st at http://www.vamptasypublishing.co.uk. But we got done early and 'Thoeba' is complete!(also available at Smashwords)

What better way to celebrate than with a contest? So I'm giving away three e-book copies of 'Thoeba'. And see that pretty necklace in the picture? That's part of first prize as well. It is stainless steel and the heart has a real garnet. So first prize gets an e-book and a necklace and second and third...well, it's just an e-book. BUT not just any e-book! MY e-book!

Entry is simple.Choose a media outlet or two. It could be facebook, twitter, myspace or google one. You can even mention 'Thoeba' on your blog. I'll give you an entry for each one! Follow me, and I'll give you another entry. Every bit of exposure helps. Comment here, or message Donna Milward via Twitter or facebook to make sure your entry got our attention. ;)

While you are here, why not check out the other pages on this blog? There is a prologue, and introduction to the villian of the novel, and my favorite-A creation myth written by Donna Milward for this and future works.

Winners will be announced next Thursday. Good luck everyone!

Slave to the Mastercard

2011-07-14T12:39:00.000-07:00

Things used to be so much simpler...In Eden I had everything I needed. Clean air and water, and abundant food.

When your species invented money, I failed to see the point. Yes, gold is shiny, but you cannot eat it. I didn't understand clothes, or jewelry, or even spices. Doesn't the Energy provide?

But now I am here, in the 21st. century and there's so many more THINGS! Like cell phones, and kitchen gadgets, and makeup, and smoothies, and televisions, and ...well, just lots of stuff! Too much to keep up with. So some industrious human invented credit. And thanks to Christmas shopping with a sliver of plastic, I have to find work.
Which came first? The Visa or the need for a job?

Photo by: Andy Newson /FreeDigitalPhoto.net

Just a little thought....

2011-07-07T09:58:00.000-07:00

Oh sure, they're cute. That's so you don't eat them like other species on this planet sometimes do with their young.

And that might be a mistake because these miniatures are EVERYWHERE. They're in grocery stores, and parks, airplanes and automobiles.

And they hide in stuff like pantries, and behind couches. They'll jump out at you with their fingers covered in artificial cheese and drool on your legs.
They scream, they shout , they pick their noses. They spread disease and Cheetos stains.

So.....why do I want one?

Photo by: Salvatore Vuono/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Season of the Miniatures

2011-06-30T08:58:00.000-07:00

What do you mean, they're going to let them out of school for the summer? Why would they want to do that? They scream, yell, run around like maniacs and eat voraciously. It's like a bellowing, mucus spewing plague of locusts. I speak about your miniatures, your partial humans. The ones you raise from your seed. What's the word? Children.

Are you sure you want to release them into public areas inhabited by...us? I'm not sure I'm ready for the onslaught of small people invading parks, streets and malls. I'm genuinely frightened. I think now I understand camping. I would also abandon electricity and plumbing to escape the onslaught of other people's offspring.

Rain, rain go away

2011-06-24T16:53:00.000-07:00

     No one told me Canada had a monsoon season. I thought we had two seasons-Winter and July. Where did all this rain come from?
     Surely the Energy is joking? (It could be-It has a strange sense of humor.) We never got weather like this in Eden...come to think of it, we didn't really get 'weather'. We had a moderate climate that included the occasional warm shower.
     There was never any deluges or cold torrents that caused small lakes to form in the streets. Oh, did I mention I've discovered 'puddles'? So have my shoes and socks. Irritating. Now I own an umbrella, a raincoat and rubber boots, and none of it seemes to help much. Parts of me are still getting wet.
     I think if we're going to get wet anyway, we might as well go out naked, and dry off once inside. Because towels are a much better human invention.

Photo by: Christian Southworth @ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I'm A-Frey'd I Don't Get It...

2011-06-16T06:09:00.000-07:00

This is my writer's new cat, Freya. She got this feline from the Edmonton Humane Society, and named her for a Norse goddess.

At first I couldn't understand why. Sure, (She's absolutely precious) but why do humans insist on sheltering and feeding such small animals? They have no intentions of eating them, so why bother?

(Snuggliness and adorability aside,) They are not raised for consumption like livestock and they cannot take care of YOU when you are old. Nor can they help with family businesses, or out in the fields, grant wishes and favors, or be used as currency.

They are Pets. They are for 'petting'. I believed such a creature was a luxury trinket. Expensive and pretty, but otherwise without function. (But soooo irresistable!)

Then I met Freya. She's a sweet, loving, purring Cute-Tip. Watching what she's done to my writer and her husband is a little freakish. They've gone from normal humans to gushing idiots. (The cat probably thinks her name is "I love you, Pretty Girl.")

The weird thing? She makes them happy. How did something that does nothing much more than eat, sleep and poop manage that? It's like they're under a spell. No wonder your ancestors thought they were evil.

Fishing for answers

2011-06-09T09:25:00.000-07:00

So, let me get this straight...

You sit in a rickety vessel designed to perch on water's surface. With a stick. And a nasty metal hook attached to flimsy string.
Then you impale a defenseless invertabrate on the pointy end, and dump it in a lake or river.

Then what?

You wait. For hours. And this relaxes you? I can't see how. Hunting and foraging for food isn't leisurely. Not for your ancestors it wasn't. That is why they invented NETS.

I mean you understand catching dinner one morsel at a time is inefficient for survival, right? I could swear the entire exercise appears to be nothing more than an excuse to sit on ones posterier and drink beer all day and....Oh. I see. Nevermind.

Photo by: Carlos Porto/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Turtle Camping

2011-06-02T10:34:00.000-07:00

Turtle people are fascinating.

You know who I mean. The ones who creep the highways of our country with all the modern conveniences of home away from home attached to their vehicles. I believe you call them RV campers.

I don't really get it. I thought the concept of camping was to get away from all your modern day conveniences and experience living like a cavedweller. Why cook food on a stick when you brought your stove? Why drive hundreds of kilometers to mosquito infested forests when you have a screen door? You cannot live like a Neanderthal when you brought your plumbing and toilet paper. You're only experiencing part of the misery. Why not stay home and save yourself the effort?

Photo by: frederico stevanin/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Cave Dwelling

2011-05-26T07:36:00.000-07:00

What is it about summer that transforms humans back into unwashed primitives? The weird concept of cooking your food over fire was one thing, but camping is quite another.
You have perfectly good dwellings at home, yet you voluntarily traipse off into the wilderness, abandoning your electricity and plumbing, just so you can sleep in wee canvas and plastic huts.
I don't understand this"Roughing it" concept. Am I to understand you people will drive hundreds of kilometers so you can sleep in tents with no light and no heating? And you do this for enjoyment? That you hunt for your own dinner in small craft with inefficent poles meant to only catch one fish at a time? That you cook your food over ancient means of open flame? Why go through the trouble of inventing toilets if you are content to pee in the bush? Your ancestors would laugh themselves sick....Actually they would run screaming and making hexing signs, but that's besides the point.
Let's say you are seeking to remove yourselves from the hassles of modern day life, go back to a simpler time. How does that explain the RV?

Photoby:foto76/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Caveman Cooking

2011-05-19T11:09:00.000-07:00

Ugh... What is wrong with you humans? You have all this technology. Cell phones, computers, cars and more. Yet you insist on cooking your food like common Neanderthals.

     I speak of the Barbeque.

     Believe me, I remember your kind cooking your food over fire. You were scared to death of it, but somehow determined that it tasted better when shoved into leftover lightning strikes.

     Even stranger is your need to create advanced contraptions to cook over an open flame. And GAS. Not afraid of the hot stuff anymore are you? Your ancestors would be running for the mountains, hooting and bellowing...

     Is that a burger? With all the fixings? And potato salad on the side? Well, okay maybe just a bite...

Mmmmmmmmm....Barbarianism never tasted so good!

Photo by: Dino De Luca/FrreDigitalPhotos.net

Photography isn't cheesy.

2011-05-11T13:38:00.000-07:00

This is my writer’s publicity shot. She had to pose, tilting her chin and head in various angles for over an hour, and this is the only picture she thinks actually catches her personality.

She found the process tedious, but I think cameras are fascinating. Photography is interesting. Imagine taking the essence of one’s appearance and putting it on paper!

It’s a click and an explosion of light, and suddenly there is an image of the faces you know and love there on a screen, ready to be processed and put into a frame.

Eden had no such things. We never felt the need to process another’s essence, not when we can feel their pure selves in our hearts.

I understand why you do it, though. You humans have no telepathy. No means to envelope yourselves in the totality of a person. Not to mention your notoriously short lifespans.

I think it’s sweet that you can love enough that you’ll invent contraptions that will allow you to keep memories of those you love. But why do you all insist you look pasty and fat?

Photo by:Karen Bursey/ Photography By Karen
Edmonton, AB

Jumping for Spring

2011-05-05T07:37:00.000-07:00

Spring is here! Spring is here!

I have a new sympathy for you humans. In Eden the temperature is always moderate, the seasons always warm and full of flowers and tickling breezes. The weather is always the same-beautiful. Only when one does not get to experience such pleasures for months at a time can one truly appreciate their return.

Even the rain is welcome. I will take that over the snow ANY DAY. It’s time to rake the yard and break out the patio furniture! I can’t wait to hang out on the deck with a few brews or fire up the BBQ…..Oh dear. I’m starting to sound very human, aren’t I?

Photo by: m_bartosch/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Jesus, and Bunnies, and Eggs, oh my!

2011-04-28T10:31:00.000-07:00

I just had my first Easter experience on your planet. This holiday is for that lovely Jesus fellow you humans like so much. He was a very nice man, full of wonderful ideas. Too bad you humans strung him up.

Of course you know it takes more than a couple of spikes and a prickly hat to kill one of our kind. And I have to say that disappearing trick in the tomb really got you guys didn’t it? Took him seriously then, didn’t you?

What I don’t understand is how you got rabbits and brightly colored eggs out of the whole ordeal. I can assure you that no matter how pretty you paint chicken embryos I know I wouldn’t eat them.

Photo by Grant Cochrane/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Did you miss me?

2011-04-21T13:16:00.000-07:00

Well, Hello there! Sorry I've been away for awhile. First it was that nasty hangover, and then it was.....Why is there drool all over my keyboard? What are these posts about-Eating humans? JIM-THING?! What was HE doing here?!
I leave my blog for a few lousy weeks and my arch nemesis threatens my readers?!
Here I am-all excited to tell you that my story is coming out in the summer through Vamptasy Publishing as an e-book, and that ugly bastard comes in and takes over my blog?!
Excuse me---I have to go kick some demon ass.
Oh yeah-this is the cover. Photo was by shutterstock photos and my writer picked it out. My brilliant publisher Nicola Omerod found the perfect font. ;)

How to Serve Humankind

2011-04-14T10:26:00.000-07:00

Do you know why you humans make such nice snacks? It's not just because you come in so many sizes, flavors and colors.

It's your individual lifestyle choices as well.
Smokers have an interesting woodsy flavor, whereas a health nut is a fresh change when you're in the mood for something leaner.
If you go a drinking establishment, I don't have to marinate you, you've done it for me. Talk about convenience!
My favorite is fast food....And it's easy to prepare.
All I do is show up and roar in your faces. You run. As fast as you can.
Let those salty sweaty juices flow! Let the spicy adrenaline rush through your veins! These two seasonings combine for the perfect favor. Amount of doneness depends on how hungry I am and how much fun I'm having. Human is best served raw, although I have considered eating you people with a light sear on the barbeque for a little more tenderness.
Either way, I wouldn't recommend YOU try it neccessarily. I have no idea how your species eats meat with such flat teeth.

Photo by: Simon Howden FrreDigitalPhotos.net

Psst...C'mere, human.

2011-04-07T10:28:00.000-07:00

Heeeeeeere,human,human,human.....
Come to the screen. A little closer. Closer....
YAAARGH!! Stupid computer screens....What's the point of talking to prey through a blog if you can't reach in and grab them?
I mean I'm not into a habit of talking to my food. Not until I got here, anyway. But it IS interesting-using pick up lines like bait. Or advertising. Or on line scams. Hmmmm....There's plenty of ways to catch a human.
Maybe I should stick around awhile. I mean you people certainly are tasty and gulible. I could really learn to like it here. It's an all you can eat buffet that never closes. I'll almost feel sorry when my brethren and I take control of your planet. Too bad I don't feel anything.

Next blog! How to serve man....on a plate with a side of flies!

Hello? Is this thing on?

2011-03-31T08:11:00.000-07:00

Hello? Is this thing on?

So….This is the loathsome one’s so called ‘blog’. Mine now! I can use this to lure unsuspecting victims to my lair...I mean...camper.

You humans come in such a variety of sizes, flavors, and colors. The beauty of eating sentient food is their reaction to being eaten. If you can get the right amount of fear and adrenaline, it adds a little spice. Already dead folks taste like chicken.

On second thought, I don’t like this blogging. Through this box I can speak to millions of your kind, but I can’t eat them. It’s like a vending machine, and I have no currency.

Dawn of the Dead after Beer

2011-03-24T09:57:00.000-07:00

I am dying. Headaches and nausea. The world swims before my eyes while I look for convenient places to launch my lunch from my suffering stomach. I’ve been told this is my first hangover.

I am not being dramatic. I’ve said it before, and you people have proven me correct time and time again-You are all crazy.

Is this a ritual to initiate unsuspecting new mortals like me? Is it supposed to be this painful? Well it’s not funny.

At least no one painted me like they did Peter. The smell of Sharpie Markers and peach lip gloss turn my stomach, over and over and ov….(urp!)

Screw this. I’m going back to bed.

Photo by:Michal Marcol/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Why is my beer green?

2011-03-17T08:24:00.000-07:00

I like beer. You humans, particularly Canadians, have a certain affinity for it.

You drink it at sports games, while watching sports on TV, sitting on the patio, sitting in the basement, standing in a bar.

You drink it at weddings, graduations, or because it’s Saturday and it’s warm out. Which isn’t sush a bad idea. Don’t mind if I have another.

And there’s so many kinds. The whole planet makes some type of beer. Tsintao, Tuborg, Heinieken, did I spell that right?

Did you know we don’t have beer in Eden? And we shertainly don’t have clamato juice there. Probably a good thing. Yuck. Who would put mollusks in perfec(hic)-ly good beer?

I like limes. I like limes in my Corona. Now THAT’S good beer! I even like thish green crap.

I like beer…Did I menshun that? There’s only one thing wrong with it. The bottles are too small.

Sho glad you invented a holiday for thish shtuff!

Es-shoos me…I need another.

Photo by: Filomena Scalise/FreeDigitalPhoto.net

Save the Daylights!

2011-03-10T05:21:00.000-08:00

A whole day dedicated to saving daylight? I don't get it. I didn't know there was a shortage. We're in a lot of trouble here....

This is another holiday ritual I don't understand, right?

Is this the reason I had to get a watch? So I could turn it forward an hour on Sunday? How strange. What does it mean?

Wait...Excuse me? I have to get up an hour earlier?! That doesn't sound like much of a holiday at all! You humans are crazy...

Pedicures what ails me.

2011-03-03T08:52:00.000-08:00

I found it! Paradise on Earth! And there's so many of them. I believe you call them 'spas'.

Never before have I experienced such pampered, delightful...relaxing....zzzz.

Whoops. I digress. I love what all the slimy concoctions they put on my face do to my skin. After several hundred years, I felt I needed some help. Not to mention your unpredictable weather and gravity has tainted my glow. Hmph!

And the massage! Oh that IS a measure of heaven. I could have used those after some long flights. Mind you, I don't know how the masseuse would have worked around my wings...

But my favorite is the pedicure! Now that I spend my time walking rather than flying, my feet have become alarmingly crusty. So someone shaves them for me and painted my nails with any color I choose? It's divine. And shiny.

They tell me I'm ready for flip-flop season.
Flip-flop season? Oh dear, that doesn't sound good....How much flopping are we talking about?

Photo by africa/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Cutting to the chase about cutlery

2011-02-24T06:44:00.000-08:00

     I don't get cutlery. As much as I love earth food, this has been a struggle for me. Using a fork at the same time as a knife is a daunting task. If you have two perfectly good hands, why can't you use those to eat?

   In Eden we had no such tools. All our food was raw, unprocessed and fresh from the vines that grew them. We required no etiquette and no table manners. For one thing, we had no tables.

     I think your species invented utensils because yours is the only one that cooks it's food. I say that if your food is too hot to the touch than let it cool. Or eat it raw.
     Why can't I simply drink my soup from the bowl? Why must I use a knife to put peanut butter on bread? My hand is bigger. Wouldn't it simply be easier to eat peas like grapes rather than scooping them with a pronged instrument? Why eat fruit with your hands, but fruit salad with a spoon? Don't get me started on chopsticks!
     Sigh. These rules are so confusing, it makes me want to throw my handful of mashed potatos in the air in disgust...

Photo by: Carlos Porto

Halfwits?

2011-02-17T08:00:00.000-08:00

What in the name of the Energy is wrong with your

Halflings? You know, the ones that aren’t quite

miniatures and not fully grown humans? They’re very

strange. They appear to be nocturnal and are fueled by

Red Bull, cola and MacDonalds. There are two in my

family unit and I can’t understand either one.

The male, I am told, is not typical. He’s very smart.

The female Halfling is obsessed with male Halflings. Both spend a lot of time on confusers…Oh I’m sorry-

computers. Perhaps I was right the first time. They do seem very confused most of the time. When do they

grow out of it..? Do they grow out of it?

Photo by: Tina Phillips

Sweet Nothing

2011-02-10T09:06:00.000-08:00

Ah, Valentine’s Day….My very first one. A whole entire day

dedicated to celebrating the one you love. How come there’s only one?

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we gave and received flowers and

chocolate everyday? (Again with the food, you humans are obsessed

with the stuff) And we could have teddy bears and lingerie, and devote

more time to cuddling and telling each other how much we wuv each

other and….What am I saying? Was I just waxing poetic and making

baby talk ? Yuck. Good thing Valentine’s Day only comes once a year.

Photo by: Nutdanai Apikhomboonwaroot

Birthday Blues

2011-02-03T08:25:00.000-08:00

     Uh-oh. I just looked at the calender...
It's here again. My writer's birthday. Hide the liquor!
     Ohhh...this one's going to be rough. She's thirty-nine on Saturday.
     Every year, around this time of year, she whines and moans about her weight, her hair, her wrinkles and her misspent youth. Isn't she a little young for a mid-life crisis?
     Wah,wah, wah. Can you imagine what she'll be like next year? When she's forty?
     She thinks she's old? I'm so old, I don't remember the first one hundred years.
     She worries about her career? I nearly blew up the universe at my last job. How's that for stress? I was in charge of the welfare of The Energy. How's that for responsibility?

     She's worried that she's not a good enough writer. Nonsense! She's a genius! After all, she created me, right?
     Happy Birthday to my writer-the woman who gave me existence. Cheer up, Mrs. M-- cause I'm fantastic.
   Hmmmm....What do you get for the woman who has me?

Photo by: Idea go

Sofa so good-but it gets bed-der

2011-01-27T08:30:00.000-08:00

Until I came to this planet and experienced your weather I had no idea why your kind would want to live indoors. Now I understand. Then I couldn’t understand why your kind would want to put things to bump into inside these shelters, other than aesthetic value.

I’ve learned the reasons for a table and chairs. It’s so that you can eat with plates, cups and utensils. Apparently eating peanut butter with your hands is impolite.

I’ve learned that couches are things you recline on while watching cartoons and other such television things.

But it’s my bed I’ve fallen in love with! Eden has no such things as fluffy pillows. Its temperate climate required no soothing comforters. Never mind the squishy, melty, marshmallow mattresses! Yes, I understand the reason for furniture. Now I need to invent more reasons to stay in bed!

Time to watch where I'm going

2011-01-20T10:20:00.000-08:00

     Some one gave me a time piece for Christmas. I asked, "What is it?" They said. "It's a watch." I said, "What does it watch?"
     From what I understand, this device will help me 'be on time'. By your standards perhaps.
     Time is a human invention my kind never truly understood. When we needed to make plans with each other, we simply called out telepathically and met with one another. But then again, you humans have days and nights. And years. How can I tell time when I've always been and time never has for me?
     I suspect this is why your kind is always in such a rush. And why you need cell phones. You can rush around trying to be on time, and call each other to explain why you will be late anyway.

     And what's with all the ticking? Will it blow up if you are not 'on time'? Ooh, and the alarms!My goodness! You people are deliberately alarming yourselves? Strange humans. No wonder you blow up at each other all the time.

photo by: Salvatore Vuono

Winter is s'no fun

2011-01-13T08:37:00.000-08:00

Once, in the middle of a summer storm, the Energy and I talked about the weather in Alberta. It asked me if perhaps It may have over done it. Well, my favorite deity...YOU OVER DID IT!!

And it's not just Alberta. It's everywhere! Apparently these fluffy drifts of freezing precipitation having been piling everywhere including Canada, the East Coast of the United States and Europe since Christmas and for what?

A little bit is pretty, but this has reached unreasonable proportions. I guess the Energy has never heard the human term 'less is more'. Oh and by the way, snow shoveling sucks.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm starting to wonder. Is God hiding something under all this frozen meringue, or does It just like skiers? Now that I think about it, maybe this world looks tastier with snow.

I Love New Beginnings!

2011-01-06T08:12:00.000-08:00

     Oooh! A shiny brand new year. So many possibilities, so many new things to do and see and eat.
     We didn't have New Year's celebrations in Eden. When one is several hundred years old, one tends not to get excited when the calender turns over. Come to think of it, we don't have calenders either.
   So I hereby make my first resolutions. Ahem...

I Thoeba, resolve to explore human cultures and practices. I will embrace your holidays with enthusiasm. I resolve to try every food known to mankind. And I promise to experiment with beer and other alcohols. And yes, I resolve to continuously torture myself in the name of exercise to avoid growing to gargantuan proportions.
     Wait...What's that? Ukranian Christmas? Are those perogies?


photo by:jscreationzs

On the other side of Christmas

2010-12-22T16:08:00.001-08:00

     Wow! My first Christmas as a mortal. Sure will be different from the other side. Trust me when I tell you the holiday season is busier for us than it is for you.
     First of all there's weary travelers to take care of, and drunks to see home in one piece. There's ensuring that even the poorest family finds a peaceful Christmas. And that mankind shows goodwill to one another for at least one day of the year.

     Just preventing salmonella from undercooked turkeys and eggnog in itself is a Christmas miracle.
     But this year I get to experience the good stuff. I get to gorge on turkey, and stuffing. I can drink hot toddys and caesers and beer. And when I've had too much I can caterwaul Christmas carols and slobber on people under the mistletoe.
     They tell me there will be chocolate and candy canes too. Did you notice how all holidays involve enormous amounts of food and/or drink? This one seems to have the most food of all. Is this why you have New Year's Resolutions immediately afterwards?
     I will not be posting next week. I'll be back again on January the sixth, so I want to wish everyone a fantastic and safe holiday. Merry Christmas!

photo by: nuttakit

Ode to voluntary Christmas Misery

2010-12-16T08:22:00.000-08:00

I remember the first Christmas carols. How your ancestors performed them door to door and on street corners. This was of course before the iPod or MP3 player. Even before Walkmans and vinyl records.

I remember how delightful it was that your species sang dozens of joyous hymns to celebrate a single day.

I mean you certainly don’t do that for any of your other holidays. You seldom hear a jig for St. Patrick’s Day-or a chorus for a Halloween. Well…There are songs for other holidays, but not with the same exuberance as you have for that Jesus fellow and his chubby friend.

I loved how your forefathers burst into song for their own entertainment and that of their neighbors.

Then some diabolical genius invented the PA system. Things have never been the same since. Everywhere you go, Christmas music follows you. Throughout the malls and grocery stores, blaring through speakers and transmitted through airwaves like some malevolent form of mind control.

It’s relentless! It’s evil! It’s self-induced! I mean really-How many Christmas CDs do you need when you are surrounded by it at every angle? And I have news for you. They are all the SAME SONGS! Just sung by different people.

This smacks of self-torture not unlike ‘exercise’. Why don’t you people go all the way with it? Why not do your aerobics to Christmas music and drive yourselves ALL the way insane?

Purchase till I plummet! :)

2010-12-09T09:25:00.000-08:00

     There are no malls in Eden. Nor are there escalators or bits of plastic to buy things with.

     As I am experiencing my first Christmas on your world, I am told it is appropriate to buy gifts for your favorite humans, and they in turn will buy them for you. This is exciting!

     And exhausting. I have journeyed the length of this gargantuan structure known as 'West Edmonton Mall', and endured the circular ritual of parking. I have enjoyed ingesting the vast varieties of food in your courts, and cheerfully tolerated that warm chicken-noodle-goat smell you humans get when you wear your jackets indoors. And this is the holiday you humans celebrate for Jesus? Just so you know, he didn't wear red, or have a white beard. (I met him before he came to your planet. Nice fellow, highly idealistic.) But I would love to know-What did you get for your favorite humans?
   For my chosen male copulation partner I have chosen a military grade tomahawk, a leggo man flashlight, organic sake with a genuine sake serving set, and fifty pounds of feta cheese. Do you think he'll like it?

   By the way, why do they call it a 'Master' card? My favorite male says I'll find out when the bill arrives.

This cold is too common

2010-12-02T09:28:00.000-08:00

I hab my first code. I don't like it bery much. My nobe is running, my head feels full, and I ab sneebing my head off. Bery ubpleasant.

When I get back to Eden I'b going to ask the Energy why It invented germbs. What ib the purpose ob millions ob tiny bacteria that create snot? What purpose does snot serve? How can one body create so much of it?

It might be different ib it was useful. But all it does ib fill copious abmounts of Kleenexes. What the point ob that?

Nob to mention the violent snot anb saliva projections. I hab difficulty uberstanding why the Energy would like us to share these germbs.

I hab a theory. Perhabs this is a different Realm of Life that I prebiously didn't know about. Maybe this is a different universe where all the inhabitants are germs trying to reproduce and expand territory in a humban host? Can dou imagine? How horrible do you have to be to reincarnate into a germb?

*photo by Arvind Balaraman

Telepathy-schmepathy

2010-11-25T10:00:00.000-08:00

     I am impressed. You humans are only using about ten percent of your brains and the vast majority of you have no ability to read each others thoughts or experience each others feelings. Yet you have technologically advanced well enough to write and speak to each other across the entire planet.

     The Energy told me you were a resourceful species, and It was correct. In fact, if it wasn't for your various forms of communication, my mission would not have been what it was.

     I am old enough to remember how excited our kind was when Alexander Graham Bell made it possible for you to speak to each other directly across vast distances. If he could see you all now. What would he say if he knew his modest little telephone would lead to the internet? Or to cell phones, with millions of people carrying telephones around like pocket watches?

     Your kind, in these generations have the ability to speak to people in other countries within minutes. Can you not use them to discuss your vast differences?

     I have no doubt your species will strive to do more with your technology. Indeed, it would not surprise me if you learned to hard-wire your precious cell phones and computers to your head. Wouldn't it be interesting if you could program empathy?

*photo by xedos4 at freedigitalphotos.net

Drawn to cartoons

2010-11-18T09:42:00.000-08:00

     It was a quiet Saturday morning. All quiet in the house. Not a creature was stirring. So I turned on the TV, and found a cartoon mouse! You people seems to have a thing for cartoon mice. There's Mickey, and Jerry, Pinky and the Brain...Itch. Or is it Scratchy? Oh and don't forget the Biker Mice from Mars! (I've met biker mice-and they don't come from Mars and they're not as buff.)

     I knew I liked television-It's fascinating what you can get out of such a small box-but until I discovered cartoons, I had not quite grasped the true joy of sitting glued to one spot and staring mindlessly at a screen full of scripted images. In fact, these manufactured images are really funny before I've had my first coffee, but they're even funnier after about nine cups.

     I like them all! Even the one with the coyote and the roadrunner even though every episode features absurd situations that would never happen in real life. I didn't spend a lot of time on your planet previously, but I can assure you I've never seen a coyote building rockets. And I'm positive that if you throw one off a cliff, it will not get up and walk away-nor will it sound like an accordian.

     I REALLY like the superhero ones! The ones with brightly colored costumes that fly through the air? Makes me wish I'd worn tights and a cape when I could still fly. Come to think of it, I saved people, I saved the world. Where's MY cartoon?

Plain cave-speak

2010-11-12T08:07:00.000-08:00

This post was post-phoned for one day out of respect for Rememberance day.

     It is of great interest to me how your language has changed over the centuries. I expected eventually your species would eventually learn to clarify what you said when you realized 'Ugg' didn't get your point across.

     I even expected it when your kind moved away from Latin and Hebrew and created your own languages, such as Cantonese, Italian and English.

     What I didn't really expect, is how you would learn how to mangle your own speech patterns and twist words around to mean entirely different things. Remember when something 'fantastic' meant something truly horrifying-like demons? Now it means something that is really interesting, or 'cool'. (Don't get me started on THAT word.) Truth be told, some of the things you humans find fantastic horrify me anyway-like fast cars and scary movies.

     What about 'outrageous'? When I see old Grammy footage from the eighties I asked myself why getting an award so offended Lionel Ritchie. And why was he smiling? Sigh.

     And you are still doing it-even when you are on your computers. You are skipping steps as you go. What about LOL and BTW. Are you too lazy to type 'By the Way'? The faster your lives get, the shorter and more abrupt your speech becomes.

     I suspect it won't be long until your kind goes back to saying things like 'Ugg.'

Java Script

2010-11-04T08:31:00.000-07:00

OMGgzzIlovecoffee! IjustdiscoveredTimHortonsandStarbucksandSecondCupandtassimo. Didyouknowyoucangetcoffeeindifferentflavors? Withhazelnutandvanilla? Andyoucanputstuffinitlikesugarandcreamandandsweetwhitestuffontop?
AnditgivesmesoooomuchenergyIfeellikeIcouldruntoEdmontonandbreak
thesoundbarrierwhileI'matit. EverywhereIlookIseeallkindsofshopsdedicated
totheconsumptionofthisenergyboostingconcoctionandyoucanevenbuyitfor
homeaswell! Andyoucandrinkitinrestaurantsinplainsightofeveryonewithout
itbeingabigdeal.Andtherearesomanykindsandbrandsandstufftoputinn'tbelievehowmuchenergythisstuff
givemewillIeversleepagaininthislifetime?ItslikeapowerfuldrugandIthinkIcandoanything! Icanflyagain! Moohoohaha! Howcomenooneelseisfreakingout? AmItheonlyonehighonthisstuff? Isitaddictive? IthinkI'maddicted. AmIbeingparanoid? Areyoupeoplesurethisstuffislegal?

My first Halloween as a human

2010-10-28T09:25:00.000-07:00

I've never experienced this holiday as a mortal.
I'm not very frightened. It's a lot different now than the earlier days when your species was much younger and less advanced.

It was believed back then that the borders between the dimensions got thinner around that time of year, which was correct. It only happened once a year but demons found the portals from Eden to Earth and snuck through to eat your ancestors. Not many, mind you, but enough to scare the lice off medieval man.

We did our best over the years to slay the monsters before they did too much damage. And your forefathers thought their jack-o-lanterns worked! Oh that was funny...It was us! We killed the demons and kept them away until we were finally able to close the portal and set up a guard.

Then Samhain started teasing the Gaels and chased the vikings back to their longboats with demon masks made of wood. The Energy was not amused. It was so upset it took away Samhain's flying privileges and grounded him-indefinitely. That's a long time when your lifespan can be measured in centuries.

So a few hundred years later Hallow's Eve has changed. Instead of cowering inside your homes on that night, you wear costumes and beg for candy. What I don't understand is why do you send your miniatures out to do it? Apparently your species no longer fears the night if you are willing to send your nestlings out in it. Interesting.

Perhaps it is that your love of treats conquers your terror? Not that I blame you. I have seen the delicious varieties available from complete strangers. There's chocolate bars, chips, toffees, hard candies and more! I can't wait to eat it all!

Of course this means more exercising....Okay, now I'm scared.

Plane, car and boat blues

2010-10-21T08:42:00.000-07:00

I realize the Energy didn't give you wings in this realm, like It did in Eden, but that doesn't mean you need to hurry your journey back to heaven with your methods of getting from one place to another in THIS dimension!

I have journeyed on water, land and in the air in my short stay on your planet, and it is clear you people don't understand the concept of 'smooth travel'. Oh, how I miss my wings...

Last week someone suggested I trying fishing...on a boat. This involves spine-jarring wave jumping at speeds that drill bugs into your pores. THEN you perch precariously for hours on the fragile surface of a substance you can't breathe in should you fall into it. Oh yes, that sounds most amusing.

Then there's driving. Did I mention traffic? Hundreds of you roaring back and forth past each other like jousting knights, oblivious to how close you are to cracking into each other. (I find it very useful to inform the person driving of this fact. It makes them more careful-you can tell by the gritting of their teeth that they're taking my advice seriously.)

Flying is somewhat better, but certainly flexible feathered wings work better in turbulence. More control. How come you don't make airplanes with flapping wings anyway? That reminds me...What are the little brown bags for?

You know what would be even better? I don't suppose you people could LEARN to evolve, could you? Grow wings of your own?

For the love of peanut butter

2010-10-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

I love peanut butter...It's the first thing I ate when I got here. I love it's smooth creamy texture, its sweet and salty stickiness. How you can put it on anything-like bread, crackers, celery, marshmallows and cauliflower.

No, we didn't have peanut butter in Eden. We never thought of such a thing. Nor did we think about things like food preparation. It was always warm, so we never needed fire. We didn't eat the animals so we never needed to cook.

We ate our fruits, vegetables and legumes raw, drank pure spring water....Hundreds of years of raw, boring same old food. How did I survive without Chinese noodles? Or Italian lasagna? Or Colombian coffee? Or baklava? I like baklava.

You humans are so lucky to have such a diverse menu! Every culture from all over the world has a different way of looking at it. I have to try it all! I work at it all day.

Which brings me to the extra padding...I SWEAR I thought I was evolving extra parts. Turns out my parts are just getting bigger.
One of my favorite humans brought me to the solution, which turns out to be 'Dance Class'....This activity involves jumping, clapping, stomping and much huffing and puffing.
It turns out you people never change. You claim to have outlawed torture. I think you just changed the name to 'exercise'. And you do it in voluntary groups. I can't believe you pay for this.
You people are sick.

From loincloths to tacky vests

2010-10-07T08:25:00.000-07:00

How lucky you humans are! You have as many as four seasons! (But for some reason I've been told Canada only has two.) And fall is a lovely one.

It's a lot of fun to jump into huge heaps of leaves too, but does this ritual usually involve the cursing and swearing of the human with the rake? What purpose does it serve?

Speaking of weird rituals, I have just witnessed your male bonding rites known as hunting. This involves donning orange vests along with other garments in brown and green. (When I obsessed about fashion last week, I had no idea men wore such ugly costumes for their manhood rites. And these colors don't even look good together!)

Then they perch in one spot for hours. Waiting. Why can't you men use this skill for when we try on clothing at the mall?

And they cheat! Guns against antlers? Of course the Energy didn't give you horns of your own, but when your species was younger, the playing field was a little more fair. All that running away was great exercise too. Of course your kind didn't always live through the encounter.

Oh....I get it. Nevermind.

What happened to the loincloth?

2010-09-30T10:39:00.000-07:00

     I've been watching your species for a long time. I've watched you wear nothing but fur to keep yourselves warm, and metal to protect yourselves in battle. Centuries pass, cultures evolve and clothing serves different functions.

     So where was I when you people developed 'fashion'? Since my arrival here I've been bombarded with names, labels, and styles in various shapes and colors. I can't believe how you humans took a practical thing like clothing and turned it into 'a statement'! I thought a statement was a verbal thing, not a piece of cloth!

     You still wear metal, but now it's decorative, and you call it jewelry or accessories. (Though I'll admit, it's pretty and shiny, and I'm addicted to owning as much of it as I can)

And is there really a difference between things like a brazilian bikini and a thong? Neither one covers your bum.

     Personally, I'd rather be naked, but apparently I can be arrested for that. What if I cover my behind with an orange hankerchief? Can I call that fashion?

New kid on the globe

2010-09-23T11:02:00.001-07:00

Interesting place you have here....

My name is Thoeba, and I come to you from Eden.

I'll be the first to admit I haven't spent a lot of time in your realm before. I used to think your species was not unlike a ball of angry monkeys playing with matches. You made me nervous, you humans. But now that I've spent more time with your kind, I've learned a lot about you.

About your different foods, cultures, sports, fashions and belief systems. Fascinating. Did I mention the food? And there's so many different kinds of everything! All packed onto one tiny planet. And your thirst for knowledge and new ideas grows by leaps and bounds! Your technological advances mark you as an ambitious and impatient bunch, but I like it. It's exciting and new for me.

There are so many new things to discover here. I haven't had an adventure like this for decades, and I look forward to sharing them with you each week.