|My desk is rarely this clean. I needed to take a picture.|
This one was the hardest. Several things happened, ordinary hardships that hit everyone. One of the people I made a character in this book passed away. Books sales waned, my marriage struggled, I lost my beloved cat Sully, left Edmonton Paranormal and lost friends.
I didn't think it was anything to get depressed about. But it happened anyway. It's hard to write about.
It took me six months to realize I was depressed. It took four more to realize I might need medication for it. Sometimes I wrote because I was feeling better, sometimes I wrote because I felt like I had to. Sometimes I wrote because it felt like that was the only thing I had left. It made for some interesting editing, I can tell you that!
I didn't WANT to be depressed. Surely this is just something I should just 'get over', right? I wanted to be HAPPY, dammit! Who doesn't want to be happy? Who in their right mind wants to be miserable all the time?
|Me and Ariel here are fine.|
I denied the depression until I found myself crying constantly and actively wishing for death. Not suicide...just praying for a heart attack or a car accident to take me out of here.
Those were some dangerous thoughts. So I went on medication. Medication doesn't really help, at least not for me. It's like chewing a Nicorette for smoking. It takes the edge off, but the gnawing itch doesn't really leave. Not until it's done with you, and you don't know when that will be.
I dropped the pills and went to therapy, where I purged my heart. Much better. Too bad it isn't this easy for everyone. I'm okay and getting better, but I can't help but feel like the universe officially spanked me for every time I ever thought a person should just 'get over it' when they're depressed. I have been educated.
I hid mine as hard as I could, because I didn't feel I deserved to be depressed. I remind myself constantly that my life is Not. That. Hard.The truth is, it can hit anyone, just like any illness. You could be next. Scary, eh?
I think I'm coming out of it, and finishing Chasing Monsters has helped so much. I'm writing new material, and have discovered mediation, something I swore was a stupid waste of time. I'm always looking for new ways to reconnect to humanity and the world. I'm feeling okay these days. Wish me luck. I wish you all the luck in the world and happiness too.