Why Can't I be a Morning Person?

My new favorite. Takes a little longer, but easy and worth it!

Does anyone else have this problem? I am an insomniac--mostly. I was kinda born that way. My mother complained often of my absolute unwillingness to sleep from pretty much day one. I don't like sleep and I don't really know why. I still resist it like a bratty child. Sometimes I don't have to resist--It isn't coming. Did it have to do with the fact that my daddy worked night shift? Are my rhythms off? Did growing up in a haunted house effect me to the point where I simply CAN'T sleep at night? I don't know.

Want to know something weird? I didn't start sleeping properly until I moved to a city. Nothing erks me worse than complete silence. The only thing worse, is complete silence interrupted by say, a howling coyote, or creaking floors, and other noises that interrupt that eerie, complete quiet. Ugh...

I'd like to be a morning person. I'm so much more productive that way. The sun is shining, people are up and about their business, and everything operates as normal, including me.

On Tuesday, for the first time in months, I woke up at 5 a.m. Okay, SPARTACUS JONES woke me up at 5 a.m...I got up, and fed my cats and realized I probably wouldn't sleep. (I tried until 6:30 actually) So I got up, made coffee and breakfast, and tackled my day. I did a  rough draft on a synopsis, 1200 new words written, walls washed, desk cleaned, linens washed and I COOKED, as in three different meals! All while herding two cats and a troll, I might add.

Do you know what happens when I wake up at my usual time of Ten a.m.? Not a hell of a lot. I can't even figure out what kind of meal to wake up to. Breakfast? Lunch? Brunch? THEN  what do I do? I've wasted my morning, so do I write? Do chores? Run errands? Which one? There isn't time for all of them...Not if you're trying to get to bed early. Which I apparently never do.

MY FAVORITE BREAKFAST: The one you saw on Facebook...That's where I found it, in a language I didn't understand. But do you think I could find the video for this blog? Nope.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Separate egg yolks from whites. Whip egg whites with a pinch of cream of tar tar until it looks like frothy white icing, and forms small peaks. I do my mixer on low, and ease up to high. Fry your bacon or sausage while doing this, on medium high heat.

Place whipped egg whites in an oven safe dish, taking care to make a 'well' or deep hole for the yolks. Pour yolks into those wells. Keep an eye on your meat ;)

Bake eggs in oven for about ten minutes, longer if you don't like your yolks runny.

Remove bacon or sausage, and blot them on a napkin. (saves a shocking amount of calories-like 300 or so, I've heard) Season your eggs with salt and pepper after you remove them to a plate. Eat and enjoy <3 The more you do it, the easier it becomes.

BTW: Even if you break your yolks, you can drizzle them over the whipped whites and it will still taste pretty awesome :)

How to Tell if Your Human Worships You.

Psst...She's asleep!

My writer needs a nap. She's been working hard at looking for a job, writing and spring cleaning. We'll let her sleep, and I, Spartacus will point out to all you felines the various ways you can tell when your human is a little too obsessed with you. This will help you learn the train-ability of your human and allow you to determine their place in the event of the global cat domination.

1. That flashy thing. If you have a human, chances are your human has one of those annoying flashy things. They point it at you constantly, no matter what you are doing and will spare you no decorum or dignity. This is an unfortunate thing that cat obsessed humans do, and cannot be avoided. Be adorable whenever possible. It will lead to expensive toys and treats once you master 'The Cuteness'. Which leads us to...

Ugh! No privacy to be had!

2. Insufferable Cutesy Nicknames. It is the absurd habit of people to give you one name, but call you by a variety of others. These include, but are not limited to: Sweetie-kitty, Handsome-boy, Little-Man, Sweet-boy, Baby, etc, fill-in-your-humiliating-moniker-here. The good news is, you can pick and choose which one, if any, you will respond to. I myself only respond to Baby. You would too, with a name like Spartacus Thomas Jones Milward.

It could be worse...I could be 'Mittens'.

3.They will share their noms. Once you have mastered 'The Cuteness', stealing noms becomes easy. This also works on forbidden surfaces like counter tops. The worst that can happen is being 'shooed', and the rewards outweigh the possibility of needing to execute a hasty landing.

Always be photogenic when sneaking noms.

4. The Constant Cuddle. Obsessed humans always feel the need to pick you up, and cuddle you. I suspect it is due to their lack of fur. They covet the soft warmness that we have and feel the need to rub it upon themselves. This too can be used to your advantage, and for training. How, you ask?

Sigh...Mommy loves me. A LOT.

5. They will remain motionless for your benefit. The devoted human will endure extended minutes of discomfort to avoid disturbing you. It is the true indicator of gauging your human's commitment. Feel free to perch on whichever body part you find comfortable. A worthy human will suppress tingling nerves, hunger and even the need to urinate in order to maintain your happiness. Feel free to nap. Feel free to interrupt THEIR time on their poo-pond. If they are willing to sit on their wet white seat, in the dark, while you enjoy a siesta in their lap, you have an obsessed human, and therefore a dedicated minion when cats take over the world.

She makes a great cat bed.

These are but five reliable indicators of fanatical behaviors in the species Homo Sapien. If you are lucky enough to find such a human, congratulations. If you are not, don't worry. Humans are highly susceptible to cuteness and easily trained.  Maybe some time soon I will tell you the finer points of 'The Cuteness', and how to use it. 

Yes. They keep me on a pedestal.

Don't Quit the Day Job

You know what I learned this week? Job hunting sucks! Yeah, yeah, I know...Poor BABY! But seriously, you don't know how long it's been since I've had to look. Try 2002.

That was the meatcutting job at Champions, after Save-On-Foods.  There were two other jobs after that, but I didn't need to apply to them. I got 'head-hunted'. I literally got phone calls at home, asking if I wanted to come work for them. Sigh...I miss that.

I left Champions (again) five years ago, when new owners took over (again). I was burned out and just didn't want to go back. The idea was that I would stay home and make a living writing novels...

BWAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHA!! Yeah, we know how THAT went!

My advice to anyone else with that plan is this: Don't quit that day job. Stay in the loop. Stay in touch with former bosses and co-workers and take a few shifts here and there at least.  Do some volunteer work, and get yourself out of the house.

I'm probably the only one dumb enough to follow Plan A to a 'T' but in case you are wondering, Plan A was pretty flawed. Five years after leaving my promising trade, I'm scrambling to even find references. I'm lucky that my boss from McKernan, who I haven't seen in eight years didn't change his number and remembered me. My most recent reference came from the Food Bank I volunteered at two years ago.

I've gained a lot of weight sitting at this desk, which will also make it harder when I finally find work.  Keeping a job would have made a big difference there too.  Back then, I believed working would take time away from writing. Did you know lack of exercise and social interaction can cause writer's block? Trust me on that.

Needless to say, I've been humbled. I'm looking forward to sweating and aching and sleeping well. Wish me luck on my new chapter, the one I'm NOT actually 'writing'.

When is a Muse Not a Muse?

Borrowed from Post Secret

The man on the left is Henry Rollins. He is a punk icon from the eighties. He has continually re-invented himself as a musician, poet, publisher, activist, radio and TV host. If you ever get a chance, go see his spoken word tours. He's funny, smart, strong and not hard to look at either.

He is my muse. I've been a fan of his since I read the lyrics from 'Grip.'

When those walls close in around you
When all about you doubt you
When the world can live without you
Get a grip and keep it
Henry Rollins - Grip Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

The man on the right is Bruce Dickinson.

He's been the lead singer of Iron Maiden for more than three decades. He's also an author, songwriter, world-ranked fencer, and commercial pilot. He hosts his own radio show, brews beer and has a company called Cardiff Aviation dedicated to aircraft maintenance and pilot training. Is there anything this guy can't do? He's fighting cancerous tumors at the back of his tongue and if anyone's going to beat cancer, it's Bruce. I believe he is invincible and he is my number one muse. Always has been.

The person in the photo below is no longer my muse. All the good this guy ever did is over-shadowed by the fact that he is facing appalling charges of sexual assault. I want to rant. I want to burn up my keyboard with my disgust and rage. But my husband reminds me that he hasn't been charged yet. My words would be tantamount to slander.

In the past, I have called this television personality my third muse. I'd like to publicly renounce those statements. Convicted or not, this will be the last time I mention the name 'Bill Cosby' and the word 'muse' in the same sentence.


I guess from now on, I'll stick to old rock stars to be my writing inspiration. And to think...Parents used to be afraid of metal/punk musicians corrupting their kids!

Diving in with my Heels On.

I'm in love with this book!

So I bought this book called Writer's Market 2015. ( Robert Lee Brewer, Editor) Brilliant stuff. If you are a writer, you should get one. I bought it because I need to know the best ways to market myself, and how to write an effective query letter. Not to mention, this book is stuffed full of the names and addresses of editors, agents and publishers and what they are looking for. Actually, that was the main reason I bought it, but I got MORE.

I'm at the part where it tells you how to build a Platform. 

Platform? I know what a platform is. You can dive off a platform. Platform shoes make you taller. Right? Not exactly apparently. I've just learned how to dive into a platform to make myself bigger, that's for sure. Am I the only writer who didn't know about this? It's not hard to do...in theory... but I think it will be hard to build. I hate being in-your-face and trying to push a sale.

Essentially, I've learned that one must use social media such as Facebook and Twitter to gain followers. Other things you can do to build a platform include mailing lists, newsletters, and street teams. Hoo-boy.

Turns out I had the right idea, but like the book says, "Think big. Then think bigger." It's not enough to have eight hundred followers on the author page, or seven hundred followers on Twitter. I need THOUSANDS. Tens of thousands. Yeah, I have 90 followers of this blog after 4 years.

So here's the plan: First I'd like to thank the bloggers and fans who've been tweeting their reviews like confetti for me. I've been retweeting them. Thanks for making it easy to make myself look good.

Jennifer R@pearlofagirl30
The Avid Reader@Magicofbooks
Lana&Mel@MelandLanaWrite
Roxanne Kade@RoxyKade
Melissa Simmons@GHBTours
Girls *Heart* Books@2grlsheartbooks
MythicalBooks@MythicalBooks

Thanks ladies <3 I deeply appreciate it. Thanks to Norm R. Peterson too. I saw all those retweets :) I'd like to thank all my Facebook bloggers too. There's a long list of you to thank too.

Image Courtesy of: jscreationzs@FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I've been a bit of a Twitter snob, going about things all wrong. I didn't see the point of following people who didn't seem to have much in common with me. NOW I get it. It's about Networking. It's about building a platform and staying in touch. It's about supporting others as well as yourself. It's my own fault if I find Twitter boring, because I haven't connected.

So you know I'm here...Where are you? Where's your blog? How do I reach you? Share, share, share. If you'd like me to follow, let me know in the comments. I look forward to hearing from you.

Had My Cake and Ate It Too.

Courtesy of my friend Duane <3

I just had the best birthday weekend I can remember in a long time. The fact that I CAN remember it is pretty amazing. My FRIENDS are amazing!! It snowed for my birthday...It always snows for my damned birthday! But they braved the roads for me, and I love them all for it. They gifted me with their presence and a few presents, and it was wonderful!

Me happy :D

Duane brought a cake. It was a white cake with a vanilla pudding center. Rebecca gave me a fresh fruit bouquet. Sydney bought the pizza, and I provided chips and dips, a veggie platter. I also made jello shots made from champagne on the blue layer and Tennessee Moonshine on the red layer. I should mention that the moonshine came with booze-soaked cherries, which I put on top.Note to self: Add the sprinkles just before serving, or they will melt.

But the wildest food thing that happened that night came courtesy of my best friend Melaida. When she arrived, I opened the door and she had a cell phone in my face, filming me.  I think I said, "What are you doing with that?" Then I saw what she had in her OTHER hand! 

Ta-Daaaah! Melaida did this <3

Ever seen a writer become gobsmacked to speechlessness? Yeah, it was pretty damned amazing. I damned near wept. The cake is decorated with a Greek Mythology theme, with symbols of the gods all around. Spears for Ares, Thunderbolts for Zeus, Bow and Arrow for Artemis, A Fire for Hestia, A Lyre for Apollo plus a winged sandal for Hermes and an owl for Athena.

We all had a great time, and stayed up too late. The very next day, Me, Mel, and Sydney went to Krush with Mel's posse and did it again. And on Sunday, we rested. And watched Walking Dead.

I've had enough cake and pizza to last me another year, and I'm relieved  to greet the week in sobriety. You'd better believe I've been hitting the Wii in the basement. It's time for me to go back to writing, and get some work done. Oh wait...

Courtesy of Karen and Blair <3

It's my Birthday, and I'll Play Like I Want to.

Image by: Stuart Miles@FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It's my birthday today!! I share a birthday with H.R. Giger, the artist behind Alien and much more, plus Don Cherry of Hockey fame, and Duff McKegan bass ace from Guns 'n Roses and Revolver. There's teensy pieces of all three of them in me ;) Which means I'm talented and obnoxious.

I have a weekend of fun and debauchery planned. Since I'm going to go back to work, this may be my last party for awhile, so I'm going to enjoy it. The nice thing about being 43? I don't care what anyone thinks.

So I'm having a Passion Party. What's a Passion Party? It's like Tupperware, but with sex toys. No, there will be no demonstrations. Oh, and they sell lubes and lotions too. If you're in the Edmonton area, and you want one of your own, here's where to reach Sherry, the lady who does them: www.ShersPassion.com  Why not?

I have invited as many friends as my tiny house will fit, and some of their husbands are going to be there too. Because some asked, and because why not? I get along with my friend's trolls, and would like to see how uncomfortable they get so I can poke fun at them. I know that some of them will NOT be embarrassed, no matter what. (I'm looking at YOU, Brad and Gerry!)

I have some friends from Calgary coming, and Sydney from British Columbia and she arrives tonight. I can't wait! Guess what? I've never met her in person before. My friend Jody introduced us through Facebook.

I'm going to have cake and pizza, and chips with dips. And Monday I will grow up and be as much of an adult as my personality allows. So wish me a Happy Birthday, because there's only one way out of getting older...