Thursday, March 19, 2015

How to Tell if Your Human Worships You.

Psst...She's asleep!
My writer needs a nap. She's been working hard at looking for a job, writing and spring cleaning. We'll let her sleep, and I, Spartacus will point out to all you felines the various ways you can tell when your human is a little too obsessed with you. This will help you learn the train-ability of your human and allow you to determine their place in the event of the global cat domination.

1. That flashy thing. If you have a human, chances are your human has one of those annoying flashy things. They point it at you constantly, no matter what you are doing and will spare you no decorum or dignity. This is an unfortunate thing that cat obsessed humans do, and cannot be avoided. Be adorable whenever possible. It will lead to expensive toys and treats once you master 'The Cuteness'. Which leads us to...
Ugh! No privacy to be had!
2. Insufferable Cutesy Nicknames. It is the absurd habit of people to give you one name, but call you by a variety of others. These include, but are not limited to: Sweetie-kitty, Handsome-boy, Little-Man, Sweet-boy, Baby, etc, fill-in-your-humiliating-moniker-here. The good news is, you can pick and choose which one, if any, you will respond to. I myself only respond to Baby. You would too, with a name like Spartacus Thomas Jones Milward.
It could be worse...I could be 'Mittens'.

3.They will share their noms. Once you have mastered 'The Cuteness', stealing noms becomes easy. This also works on forbidden surfaces like counter tops. The worst that can happen is being 'shooed', and the rewards outweigh the possibility of needing to execute a hasty landing.
Always be photogenic when sneaking noms.

4. The Constant Cuddle. Obsessed humans always feel the need to pick you up, and cuddle you. I suspect it is due to their lack of fur. They covet the soft warmness that we have and feel the need to rub it upon themselves. This too can be used to your advantage, and for training. How, you ask?
Sigh...Mommy loves me. A LOT.

5. They will remain motionless for your benefit. The devoted human will endure extended minutes of discomfort to avoid disturbing you. It is the true indicator of gauging your human's commitment. Feel free to perch on whichever body part you find comfortable. A worthy human will suppress tingling nerves, hunger and even the need to urinate in order to maintain your happiness. Feel free to nap. Feel free to interrupt THEIR time on their poo-pond. If they are willing to sit on their wet white seat, in the dark, while you enjoy a siesta in their lap, you have an obsessed human, and therefore a dedicated minion when cats take over the world.
She makes a great cat bed.

These are but five reliable indicators of fanatical behaviors in the species Homo Sapien. If you are lucky enough to find such a human, congratulations. If you are not, don't worry. Humans are highly susceptible to cuteness and easily trained.  Maybe some time soon I will tell you the finer points of 'The Cuteness', and how to use it. 
Yes. They keep me on a pedestal.