Thursday, June 30, 2011

Season of the Miniatures

What do you mean, they're going to let them out of school for the summer? Why would they want to do that? They scream, yell, run around like maniacs and eat voraciously. It's like a bellowing, mucus spewing plague of locusts. I speak about your miniatures, your partial humans. The ones you raise from your seed. What's the word? Children.
Are you sure you want to release them into public areas inhabited  I'm not sure I'm ready for the onslaught of small people invading parks, streets and malls. I'm genuinely frightened. I think now I understand camping. I would also abandon electricity and plumbing to escape the onslaught of other people's offspring.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Rain, rain go away

     No one told me Canada had a monsoon season. I thought we had two seasons-Winter and July. Where did all this rain come from?
     Surely the Energy is joking? (It could be-It has a strange sense of humor.) We never got weather like this in Eden...come to think of it, we didn't really get 'weather'. We had a moderate climate that included the occasional warm shower.
     There was never any deluges or cold torrents that caused small lakes to form in the streets. Oh, did I mention I've discovered 'puddles'? So have my shoes and socks. Irritating. Now I own an umbrella, a raincoat and rubber boots, and none of it seemes to help much. Parts of me are still getting wet.
     I think if we're going to get wet anyway, we might as well go out naked, and dry off once inside. Because towels are a much better human invention.

Photo by: Christian Southworth @

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I'm A-Frey'd I Don't Get It...

This is my writer's new cat, Freya. She got this feline from the Edmonton Humane Society, and named her for a Norse goddess.

At first I couldn't understand why. Sure, (She's absolutely precious) but why do humans insist on sheltering and feeding such small animals? They have no intentions of eating them, so why bother?

(Snuggliness and adorability aside,) They are not raised for consumption like livestock and they cannot take care of YOU when you are old. Nor can they help with family businesses, or out in the fields, grant wishes and favors, or be used as currency.

They are Pets. They are for 'petting'. I believed such a creature was a luxury trinket. Expensive and pretty, but otherwise without function. (But soooo irresistable!)

Then I met Freya. She's a sweet, loving, purring Cute-Tip. Watching what she's done to my writer and her husband is a little freakish. They've gone from normal humans to gushing idiots. (The cat probably thinks her name is "I love you, Pretty Girl.")

The weird thing? She makes them happy. How did something that does nothing much more than eat, sleep and poop manage that? It's like they're under a spell. No wonder your ancestors thought they were evil.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Fishing for answers

So, let me get this straight...

You sit in a rickety vessel designed to perch on water's surface. With a stick. And a nasty metal hook attached to flimsy string.
Then you impale a defenseless invertabrate on the pointy end, and dump it in a lake or river.

 Then what?

You wait. For hours. And this relaxes you? I can't see how. Hunting and foraging for food isn't leisurely. Not for your ancestors it wasn't. That is why they invented NETS.

I mean you understand catching dinner one morsel at a time is inefficient for survival, right? I could swear the entire exercise appears to be nothing more than an excuse to sit on ones posterier and drink beer all day and....Oh. I see. Nevermind.

Photo by: Carlos Porto/

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Turtle Camping

Turtle people are fascinating.

You know who I mean. The ones who creep the highways of our country with all the modern conveniences of home away from home attached to their vehicles. I believe you call them RV campers.

I don't really get it. I thought the concept of camping was to get away from all your modern day conveniences and experience living like a cavedweller. Why cook food on a stick when you brought your stove? Why drive hundreds of kilometers to mosquito infested forests when you have a screen door? You cannot live like a Neanderthal when you brought your plumbing and toilet paper. You're only experiencing part of the misery. Why not stay home and save yourself the effort?

Photo by: frederico stevanin/