Wednesday, December 22, 2010

On the other side of Christmas

     Wow! My first Christmas as a mortal. Sure will be different from the other side. Trust me when I tell you the holiday season is busier for us than it is for you.
     First of all there's weary travelers to take care of, and drunks to see home in one piece. There's ensuring that even the poorest family finds a peaceful Christmas. And that mankind shows goodwill to one another for at least one day of the year.

     Just preventing salmonella from undercooked turkeys and eggnog in itself is a Christmas miracle.
     But this year I get to experience the good stuff. I get to gorge on turkey, and stuffing. I can drink hot toddys and caesers and beer. And when I've had too much I can caterwaul Christmas carols and slobber on people under the mistletoe.
     They tell me there will be chocolate and candy canes too. Did you notice how all holidays involve enormous amounts of food and/or drink? This one seems to have the most food of all. Is this why you have New Year's Resolutions immediately afterwards?
     I will not be posting next week. I'll be back again on January the sixth, so I want to wish everyone a fantastic and safe holiday. Merry Christmas!

photo by: nuttakit

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Ode to voluntary Christmas Misery


     I remember the first Christmas carols. How your ancestors performed them door to door and on street corners. This was of course before the iPod or MP3 player. Even before Walkmans and vinyl records.
     I remember how delightful it was that your species sang dozens of joyous hymns to celebrate a single day.
     I mean you certainly don’t do that for any of your other holidays. You seldom hear a jig for St. Patrick’s Day-or a chorus for a Halloween. Well…There are songs for other holidays, but not with the same exuberance as you have for that Jesus fellow and his chubby friend.
     I loved how your forefathers burst into song for their own entertainment and that of their neighbors.
     Then some diabolical genius invented the PA system. Things have never been the same since. Everywhere you go, Christmas music follows you. Throughout the malls and grocery stores, blaring through speakers and transmitted through airwaves like some malevolent form of mind control.
     It’s relentless! It’s evil! It’s self-induced! I mean really-How many Christmas CDs do you need when you are surrounded by it at every angle? And I have news for you. They are all the SAME SONGS! Just sung by different people.
     This smacks of self-torture not unlike ‘exercise’. Why don’t you people go all the way with it? Why not do your aerobics to Christmas music and drive yourselves ALL the way insane?

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Purchase till I plummet! :)

     There are no malls in Eden. Nor are there escalators or bits of plastic to buy things with.

     As I am experiencing my first Christmas on your world, I am told it is appropriate to buy gifts for your favorite humans, and they in turn will buy them for you. This is exciting!

     And exhausting. I have journeyed the length of this gargantuan structure known as 'West Edmonton Mall', and endured the circular ritual of parking. I have enjoyed  ingesting the vast varieties of food in your courts, and cheerfully tolerated that warm chicken-noodle-goat smell you humans get when you wear your jackets indoors.  And this is the holiday you humans celebrate for  Jesus? Just so you know, he didn't wear red, or have a white beard. (I met him before he came to your planet. Nice fellow, highly idealistic.) But I would love to know-What did you get for your favorite humans?
     For my chosen male copulation partner I have chosen a military grade tomahawk, a leggo man flashlight, organic sake with a genuine sake serving set, and fifty pounds of feta cheese. Do you think he'll like it?

     By the way, why do they call it a 'Master' card? My  favorite male says I'll find out when the bill arrives.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

This cold is too common

I hab my first code. I don't like it bery much. My nobe is running, my head feels full, and I ab sneebing my head off. Bery ubpleasant.

When I get back to Eden I'b going to ask the Energy why It invented germbs. What ib the purpose ob millions ob tiny bacteria that create snot? What purpose does snot serve? How can one body create so much of it?

It might be different ib it was useful. But all it does ib fill copious abmounts of Kleenexes. What the point ob that?

Nob to mention the violent snot anb saliva projections. I hab difficulty uberstanding why the Energy would like us to share these germbs.

I hab a theory. Perhabs this is a different Realm of Life that I prebiously didn't know about. Maybe this is a different universe where all the inhabitants are germs trying to reproduce and expand territory in a humban host? Can dou imagine? How horrible do you have to be to reincarnate into a germb?

*photo by Arvind Balaraman