Thursday, April 28, 2011

Jesus, and Bunnies, and Eggs, oh my!

I just had my first Easter experience on your planet. This holiday is for that lovely Jesus fellow you humans like so much. He was a very nice man, full of wonderful ideas. Too bad you humans strung him up.
Of course you know it takes more than a couple of spikes and a prickly hat to kill one of our kind. And I have to say that disappearing trick in the tomb really got you guys didn’t it? Took him seriously then, didn’t you?
What I don’t understand is how you got rabbits and brightly colored eggs out of the whole ordeal. I can assure you that no matter how pretty you paint chicken embryos I know I wouldn’t eat them.

Photo by Grant Cochrane/

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Did you miss me?

Well, Hello there! Sorry I've been away for awhile. First it was that nasty hangover, and then it was.....Why is there drool all over my keyboard? What are these posts about-Eating humans? JIM-THING?!  What was HE doing here?!
I leave my blog for a few lousy weeks and my arch nemesis threatens my readers?!
Here I am-all excited to tell you that my story is coming out in the summer through Vamptasy Publishing as an e-book, and that ugly bastard comes in and takes over my blog?!
Excuse me---I have to go kick some demon ass.
Oh yeah-this is the cover. Photo was by shutterstock photos and my writer picked it out. My brilliant publisher Nicola Omerod found the perfect font. ;)

Thursday, April 14, 2011

How to Serve Humankind

Do you know why you humans make such nice snacks? It's not just because you come in so many sizes, flavors and colors.

It's your individual lifestyle choices as well.
Smokers have an interesting woodsy flavor, whereas a health nut is a fresh change when you're in the mood for something leaner.
If you go a drinking establishment, I don't have to marinate you, you've done it for me. Talk about convenience!
My favorite is fast food....And it's easy to prepare.
All I do is show up and roar in your faces. You run. As fast as you can.
     Let those salty sweaty juices flow! Let the spicy adrenaline rush through your veins! These two seasonings combine for the perfect favor. Amount of doneness depends on how hungry I am and how much fun I'm having. Human is best served raw, although I have considered eating you people with a light sear on the barbeque for a little more tenderness.
     Either way, I wouldn't recommend YOU try it neccessarily. I have no idea how your species eats meat with such flat teeth.

Photo by: Simon Howden

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Psst...C'mere, human.

Come to the screen. A little closer. Closer....
YAAARGH!! Stupid computer screens....What's the point of talking to prey through a blog if you can't reach in and grab them?
I mean I'm not into a habit of talking to my food. Not until I got here, anyway. But it IS interesting-using pick up lines like bait. Or advertising. Or on line scams. Hmmmm....There's plenty of ways to catch a human.
Maybe I should stick around awhile. I mean you people certainly are tasty and gulible. I could really learn to like it here. It's an all you can eat buffet that never closes. I'll almost feel sorry when my brethren and I take control of your planet. Too bad I don't feel anything.

Next blog! How to serve man....on a plate with a side of flies!