Thursday, December 29, 2011

I Like Stuff!I

I love Christmas! See these delicious little cups of custard topped with malt sugar and fruit? My writer's beloved made creme brulee. He also made the lamb dinner. I've often said you humans are obsessed with food. This week I don't mind. However I should note that Pepto Bismol should be included in the stocking stuffers. Along with Aspirin. That was a LOT of wine and beer.

The company was great too. Besides my writer and her husband we were joined by my writer's younger sibling and a family friend. Giggling after pigging out is fun, but it can't be good for the digestive system.

Best of all were the presents! I like stuff!

I got a Thesaurus, (Because you humans keep changing the meanings of your own words and making up new ones) a chainmail bracelet handmade by Rebecca Bartlett, soaps and lotions that smell better than they taste, a GPS, (why must humans keep changing the face of the planet?), and a toy named 'Chewbacca' that growls at me when I squeeze him. That little item came from the sibling called Jody. Still better than a chia pet.

How was your Christmas? Was that fat guy in the red suit good to you too?

Thursday, December 22, 2011

All I want for Christmas

It's almost here! Another Christmas! And I'm excited and hopeful.
I want only one thing, and Santa can't give it to me. Only one person can.

That person is hopefully my new publisher. IF she becomes my new publisher.
For those of you who read this blog, you will know we had a setback due to illness. Vamptasy Publishing had to downsize, and thanks to shipping issues, we were probably among the first to go.

Our contract is up in 90 days, and we are on amicable terms. Nicola is doing her very best to find us a new home with a new publishing house. Wish us luck.

All I want for Christmas is a new contract with a new publisher. In the meantime, 'Thoeba' is still available at

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Things you never want to see under your tree.

This may only be my second mortal Christmas, but I already know there are certain things you don't give your friends and family...unless you don't like them. Yet every year thousands are victimized with these tacky items and they have to smile over their eggnog and pretend they like their present.

#5 Pot of Gold chocolates-This is a generic gift that says "I have no idea what you like, so I'm going to give you cheap mediocre chocolate." Sure, there's a variety...of crap. Ever tasted them?

#4 McDonald's Gift Certificates-This gift says "I'm cheap and I hope you get fat and have a heart attack." For maximum annoyance, give to a vegetarian.

#3 The Christmas Sweater- I just have one word for this gift...Why?

#2 Chia Pets- What goes through the mind of someone who gives this gift? Probably nothing. Or maybe they think they're being funny.

And the number one worst gift on my list...?

#1 The Snuggie- This gift says "I think you are too stupid to operate a blanket."

Everyone has a horror story about gifts they've received that required them to plaster happy expressions on their faces in the midst of horror.

I would love to hear some of yours.

Photo by: Ambro

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Time for a Holiday

Rush. Rush. Rush. Interesting how your species first invented days, calenders, hours and minutes. Then they invented stress. Great idea! You get so much more done in a week. Time is money and people have lots to do. Especially doctors and nurses.

Nothing, not even caffeine, gets me going faster than waking up and looking at the clock to discover I slept in and I'm WAY behind. Except maybe the fact that I have nothing in mind for a new blog that should have been out hours ago.

Here's an idea. Let's all slow down. Stop putting time constraints and expectations on ourselves. Let's take naps. We'll live longer and be happier...

Yeah, I didn't think so. I can't do it either.

Photo by:

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Celebrating Walking Tablescraps.

Oh for the love of the Energy...Do you know what today is? It's the cat's birthday. Freya is a year old.

My writer fed her Turkey and Giblets Pate and cat milk for breakfast, (her favorite)and later today she's taking her to Petsmart to pick out whatever she wants. (most likely a nice tasty parakeet) To top it all off, Petsmart sent a birthday coupon for a toy! No doubt there will be extra salmon bites today as well.

All this for a cat that doesn't flush her litter box. Who claws at legs and furniture and jumps on sleeping heads at 2 a.m. while chasing headlights on the wall. (yes, that's the bed she's lounging on in the photo) Who complains non-stop about not being able to go out in freezing cold weather. (like I had something to do with it. Sorry cat, long distance charges to the maker are enormous.) All this for an animal that still isn't big enough to eat.

Oh wait...are we fattening her up for Christmas Dinner?

Thursday, November 24, 2011

We are Experiencing Technical Difficulties

This is the first time I'm writing this blog as myself, and not as 'Thoeba'.
Sorry, but I can't muster her flippant, light-hearted amusement for our planet this week.
You see I lost my publishing contract. Due to illness, my company decided to downsize. Thanks to Canadian shipping costs and distribution issues, I was probably the first one to go.
I don't blame my publisher, she tried her best and is still trying to find Thoeba a new home, but it looks like it will be awhile before we will see Thoeba on a shelf near you.
Don't worry. We're down, but not out. These kinds of things happen, and the only way to deal with it is to move forward.
Thoeba will be her odd and sassy self in no time. Please stand by.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Another Excuse to Play

My writer is a basketcase. As usual. She's planning a Tupperware/Christmas party. Sometimes I think she ENJOYS being stressed out. Like she does it on purpose.
It's her intention to serve food and alcohol, display and demonstrate a few Tupperware products, and keep her guests entertained. She's going to need a lot more beer.
Why does she do it? Even she isn't sure. Personally, I think she's a glutton for punishment. Not to mention she'll use any reason for a party. You humans will employ any excuse for silliness and debauchery. I'm in!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

This planet is disgusting!

My writer is cleaning the house again, top to bottom. Didn't she do this in the spring? I remember, she called it Spring cleaning. Everything was taken off the walls, and those walls were washed. Then she cleans all the pictures and puts them back. She launders all the linens, steams the rugs, and dusts in nooks and crannies no one can even fit into. Now she's doing it again.
She tells me everything gets dirty in a house, whether you can fit into the crannies or not. Why? I asked.
Because of dust, hair, skin cells,etc. But she only has one cat, how much mess can one white feline make? No, she tells me. Dirt comes from outside and dust is in the air. Humans lose hair and skin cells every day.
EEEeeeewww! You mean to tell me EVERYTHING sheds?!

Thursday, November 3, 2011


Ooh. My second Halloween. And I still can't get over how your species has evolved! A mere one hundred years ago your kind spent this time cowering in your hovels expecting to be devoured by denizens of Hell.
Now you deliberately decorate, party, and wear costumes. You even send your miniatures out to ask for candy.
This year I got into it. I disfigured a pumpkin and put out lanterns. I donned a new persona and greeted the wee ones as they flocked to the door. I rather enjoyed it.
But I can't help but notice...You're still handing out food. I think you humans have holidays just so you can indulge in sugar. Not that I blame you. Good thing your kind invented 'the workout'.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Fall of a Season

I love this time of year! It's not too hot or too cold. The loud and pesky miniatures go back to school and Christmas is coming. But most of all, I love the changing of the leaves.
Only the Energy could paint the landscape of an entire country like a tapestry of fireworks that are a pleasing to the eye as joy to the heart. Like a cornucopia of visual pleasure...
Too bad he made the following season black and white. That way we'd appreciate it so much more when spring returns with another explosion of color.
That's the Energy for you, always looking out for our best interests and personal growth. Personally, I suspect It thinks that's funny. I told you the Energy has a strange sense of humor.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

I Get By With a Little Help

I've been on this planet for some time now, and you humans have truly grown on me. Of course there are a select few of you I appreciate more than others. I have noticed a tendency to cluster in groups with these particular people. They are the ones who share the same interests and values as I do. The ones I tell my innermost secrets with, all my troubles and triumphs. Strangely enough, these are the same mortals that seem to make special occasions and holidays better. More fun, somehow. It's as though these people add a little extra seasoning to everyday life, to make it more palatable.
What do you call them again? Oh yes...friends.
I've yet to decide if I prefer quality or quantity. Can I have both?

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Germ of an idea

For the second time since I've been on your planet, I'm sick. Not just a few snuffles, either. I mean questionable tummy problems, and ribs that ache from endless hacking and coughing.
I had wanted to write about Thanksgiving-that holiday you people have where you thank the Energy by stuffing your faces full of turkey and pie.
I would have loved to do that, but everyone at our table was recovering from a cold/flu including us, and we all got it back with a vengence.
Why would the Energy invent the germ? Do germs have souls? What kind of personality would you have to have in order to survive by making your host sick? Are there tiny little purgatories of not-very-nice souls who live short little lives for a few days duration at a time...?
Oh dear...maybe it's time to lay off the Benylin.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Ghostwalking for answers

I attended my first paranormal retreat. My human writer goes to Edmonton Paranormal Investigative Center meetings and writes for their newsletter. EPIC arranged for a little get together outside Stony Plain, Alberta.
It was great fun! Normally walks in the dark forest and sitting silently in a black room wouldn't tickle my fancy, but it's much different when you are searching for the deceased.
Why do some human souls stay behind? What are they afraid of? Why cling on to the old life when a new one awaits?
I think they are frightened of the Energy or maybe ashamed of the things they did with this life. The Energy knows humans aren't perfect. Do they think It will punish them for the way they were created?
Isn't it strange how the greatest mystery of life is what happens after death? The only way to figure it out is to stop living. All humans find the answer when they die, but can't tell the living what they learned.
What a great cosmic joke. The Energy has a weird sense of humor.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Sacred Truth

There is no beginning, because there will never be an end. Life has always been and always will be, for we are created by powerful forces that cannot be destroyed. Only returned and recycled to new life.
Even the long lived Energy has seen many changes and facets. Although flawless, It strives to add to Its perfection as time teaches patience.
The Life force we know as ‘The Energy’ has many names. Yahweh, Jehovah, Buddah, Vishnu and God are but a few of them, and only the ones known by this dimension.
The Energy has constructed many worlds and different realities called ‘Realms of Life.’ One might find any manner of creature in any of these unknown places. You might find vampires living among mortals, or dragons hunting elves, or perhaps you’ll find a silver skinned alien. Perhaps one might find life forms not yet dreamed of by humans.
The first were the angels, radiant beings of light. They burst forth from the Energy like an explosion, billions of them screaming forth in the joy of existence.
Each one unique, beautiful and loved.
The Energy wove time and space for them, created a world to delight their senses and give them a home where they could love and play forever.
But good cannot exist without evil. Love cannot exist without hate. With each new beauty the Energy created, a hellish void expanded.
Darkness became anathema, the counterpart to any perfection belonging to the Energy.
Although without a true soul, the entity behind the eternal night evolved minions of It’s own, spawning demons like a grotesque hive queen.
These creatures of hatred and nightmare would make their way to the home of the Energy and It’s celestial children, to Eden.
And the residents of the world of light were seduced with lies, betrayed and killed to sate the pleasures of the dark ones, who know only destruction.
The cost to Eden was enormous. Grief and suffering invaded the tranquility of the heavens. The Energy and It’s creations learned to fight and defend. And to bury their dead.
The offspring of the Energy are beings of the pure power of the universe and can never truly die.
But they were changed, tainted from the darkness. They could not come back.
So the Energy created new homes for these lost souls, new worlds where short lives were lived for lessons to learn. Their telepathic abilities were stunted to understand compassion through listening and acting.
The pure children of the Energy watched over the humans, dwarves and aliens in all the Realms of Life.
Some of the angels coveted the worship of the Energy, desiring the glory given to the supreme deity. They were the first to leave of free will, the fallen.
They founded temples and religions of their own, banding together to concentrate their meager powers to sway the masses. In time, mankind forgot them, and returned their faith to the Energy.
These lost angels languish in a hell of their own making. Unable to die, and unable to go home to Eden, they wilt to the point of madness with no one but their corrupted selves to acknowledge their existence.
And as the darkness gains strength through the misunderstandings of humanity, and the diminishing numbers of guardians, The Energy grows weak….

Thursday, September 22, 2011

They say it's my Birthday

So I guess it's my birthday. Not that I noticed. When several hundred years you be, celebrate birthdays you will not, hm? did I determine it's my birthday? Easy. My writer started writing about my two years ago this month. One year ago she started blogging about me and the things I learn here on your planet. If you look into my archives you will find out how I discovered things like Holidays, fashion, food and beer. Oh and food. Food was definitely a big one. That reminds me...I hear these kind of celebration requires cake? How many do I get? Only one? How are you going to fit 900 candles on one cake? And presents. I'm going to get presents, right? Wonderful! So...What are you all getting me?

Photo by: digitalart

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Thoeba goes to the movies

3-D movies are a fabulous human adventure! I thought television was impressive. I thought big screens were fascinating. Then I saw my first movie, Conan the Barbarian in 3-D. The incredible scenery and dimensions of the film reminded me of Eden with it's intensity. And Jason Momoa...if I didn't know better I would believe he was one of our kind. Isn't he perfect? Sigh.
It was truly like being there. Like flying into perfect sunsets. I remembered what it was like to fly. Did I mention how beautiful Jason Momoa is?
Someday, I'd like my story to be told on such a massive outlet...To have my own movie in 3D. Wouldn't that be fun? Oh, and could Jason Momoa be in it? Maybe as a love interest?

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Oh, they're going back?

Yes! They're going back! Huzzah! No more booger-bearing elves underfoot. No more screeching miniatures ruining a trip to the park. The halflings with their texting and slang will no longer haunt the malls. They'll all be locked up during the day and adults will once again take over the world!

Sigh...It's so quiet.

Thursday, August 25, 2011


y human writer has introduced me to a new ritual called 'The Tupperware Party". Apparently she's decided to sell it. When I ask why, she says writers don't make much money. Who knew?
Here's how it went. She passes around a plastic bowl full of plastic gadgets. Everyone takes one and squeals in delight. She then shows them how to prepare chips and salsa using a plastic machine that doesn't use electricity, and she puts it all in plastic bowls. Everyone says things like 'ooh' and 'ahhh.' They drink jello shooters from plastic shot glasses and pass around plastic bowls and sandwich keepers. More interesting noises. Everyone orders some, and guess how they pay? You guessed it. Plastic.
You people have come a long way from clay urns and metal coins.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Humans on the, Fringe

Some humans work. Some have hobbies. Others wrap themselves in plastic wrap and time how long it takes them to get out.
Thus, I attended my first Fringe festival in Edmonton. What is wrong with these people? I saw one woman who sprayed herself with silver paint and posed to Lady Gaga songs. Another did aerobatics with long ribbons suspended from a rickety contraption high in the air. Worse yet, another man jabbed meathooks into his face.
This passes for entertainment on your planet?
And what possesses a person to do this for small change? How does one decide to evolve into a weirdo? Why do I want to watch?
That's it. It's official. I am now as crazy as the rest of you. Maybe I'll take up hang gliding to fit in and learn to fly again. Apparently risking my life and limb is no stranger than SOME people's pastimes.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Why do they call it a bookworm?

I think I understand that term now. A good book is worth devouring. You would think after nearly a year on this planet, and having my own story put to computer and paper that I would have discovered the all-consuming passion of reading.
It amazes me how you humans can find the time in your bustling, busy lives with your cell phones, computers and vehicles to sit and peruse a handful of typewritten pages.
But it truly is relaxing to bite into a bundle of pages filled with worlds you dream up.
My species doesn't do that. I suppose it's because we've BEEN to the worlds to think you've created and our lives and memories are long. Glad to know you still remember your travels as otherworldy beings. It's refreshing to view your writings from a mortal perspective.

photo by : dan

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Mosquitos suck!

I am sure we are all wonder why the Energy created the mosquito. I wish I knew!! Why would a benevolent, loving entity create a blood-sucking miniature version of a demonic vampire?
Summers are not short enough without the torment of itchy bites and incessant whining in our ears?
They will eat at you and your children! They will interrupt your sleep with their irritating hum. You will itch, you will bitch-LOUDLY!
Is this what the Energy wants?
Perhaps so. This might be the only way you will go back to civilization and raise your seedlings.

Photo by: Christian Meyn/FreeDigitalPhotos.Net

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Winner,winner, I like chicken!S

o my first contest is done! Thanks for participating! Here are the wins from third to first, the opposite of how they were picked because I don't do things like you humans do.

Third prize went to Charlotte Blackwell of Calgary, Alberta! Charlotte wins an e-book copy of THOEBA.

Second prize went to Jessica Griffin of Edmonton, Alberta. She also wins an e-book copy of THOEBA.

Finally, the winner of an e-book and the gstainless steel garnet necklace is....KELLY MOEN.

Thank you all three of you for promoting Thoeba as much as you did. Yay!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

My extra SPECIAL book-birthday blog

It's here! My book birthday is unofficially upon us! I say 'unofficially' because the release date is actually listed at August 1st at But we got done early and 'Thoeba' is complete!(also available at Smashwords)

What better way to celebrate than with a contest? So I'm giving away three e-book copies of 'Thoeba'. And see that pretty necklace in the picture? That's part of first prize as well. It is stainless steel and the heart has a real garnet. So first prize gets an e-book and a necklace and second and third...well, it's just an e-book. BUT not just any e-book! MY e-book!

Entry is simple.Choose a media outlet or two. It could be facebook, twitter, myspace or google one. You can even mention 'Thoeba' on your blog. I'll give you an entry for each one! Follow me, and I'll give you another entry. Every bit of exposure helps. Comment here, or message Donna Milward via Twitter or facebook to make sure your entry got our attention. ;)

While you are here, why not check out the other pages on this blog? There is a prologue, and introduction to the villian of the novel, and my favorite-A creation myth written by Donna Milward for this and future works.

Winners will be announced next Thursday. Good luck everyone!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Slave to the Mastercard

      Things used to be so much simpler...In Eden I had everything I needed. Clean air and water, and abundant food.

     When your species invented money, I failed to see the point. Yes, gold is shiny, but you cannot eat it. I didn't understand clothes, or jewelry, or even spices. Doesn't the Energy provide?

      But now I am here, in the 21st. century and there's so many more THINGS! Like cell phones, and kitchen gadgets, and makeup, and smoothies, and televisions, and ...well, just lots of stuff! Too much to keep up with. So some industrious human invented credit.  And thanks to Christmas shopping with a sliver of plastic, I have to find work.
     Which came first? The Visa or the need for a job?

Photo by: Andy Newson /

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Just a little thought....

Oh sure, they're cute. That's so you don't eat them like other species on this planet sometimes do with their young.

And that might be a mistake because these miniatures are EVERYWHERE. They're in grocery stores, and parks, airplanes and automobiles.

And they hide in stuff like pantries, and behind couches. They'll jump out at you with their fingers covered in artificial cheese and drool on your legs.
They scream, they shout , they pick their noses. They spread disease and Cheetos stains.

So.....why do I want one?

Photo by: Salvatore Vuono/

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Season of the Miniatures

What do you mean, they're going to let them out of school for the summer? Why would they want to do that? They scream, yell, run around like maniacs and eat voraciously. It's like a bellowing, mucus spewing plague of locusts. I speak about your miniatures, your partial humans. The ones you raise from your seed. What's the word? Children.
Are you sure you want to release them into public areas inhabited  I'm not sure I'm ready for the onslaught of small people invading parks, streets and malls. I'm genuinely frightened. I think now I understand camping. I would also abandon electricity and plumbing to escape the onslaught of other people's offspring.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Rain, rain go away

     No one told me Canada had a monsoon season. I thought we had two seasons-Winter and July. Where did all this rain come from?
     Surely the Energy is joking? (It could be-It has a strange sense of humor.) We never got weather like this in Eden...come to think of it, we didn't really get 'weather'. We had a moderate climate that included the occasional warm shower.
     There was never any deluges or cold torrents that caused small lakes to form in the streets. Oh, did I mention I've discovered 'puddles'? So have my shoes and socks. Irritating. Now I own an umbrella, a raincoat and rubber boots, and none of it seemes to help much. Parts of me are still getting wet.
     I think if we're going to get wet anyway, we might as well go out naked, and dry off once inside. Because towels are a much better human invention.

Photo by: Christian Southworth @

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I'm A-Frey'd I Don't Get It...

This is my writer's new cat, Freya. She got this feline from the Edmonton Humane Society, and named her for a Norse goddess.

At first I couldn't understand why. Sure, (She's absolutely precious) but why do humans insist on sheltering and feeding such small animals? They have no intentions of eating them, so why bother?

(Snuggliness and adorability aside,) They are not raised for consumption like livestock and they cannot take care of YOU when you are old. Nor can they help with family businesses, or out in the fields, grant wishes and favors, or be used as currency.

They are Pets. They are for 'petting'. I believed such a creature was a luxury trinket. Expensive and pretty, but otherwise without function. (But soooo irresistable!)

Then I met Freya. She's a sweet, loving, purring Cute-Tip. Watching what she's done to my writer and her husband is a little freakish. They've gone from normal humans to gushing idiots. (The cat probably thinks her name is "I love you, Pretty Girl.")

The weird thing? She makes them happy. How did something that does nothing much more than eat, sleep and poop manage that? It's like they're under a spell. No wonder your ancestors thought they were evil.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Fishing for answers

So, let me get this straight...

You sit in a rickety vessel designed to perch on water's surface. With a stick. And a nasty metal hook attached to flimsy string.
Then you impale a defenseless invertabrate on the pointy end, and dump it in a lake or river.

 Then what?

You wait. For hours. And this relaxes you? I can't see how. Hunting and foraging for food isn't leisurely. Not for your ancestors it wasn't. That is why they invented NETS.

I mean you understand catching dinner one morsel at a time is inefficient for survival, right? I could swear the entire exercise appears to be nothing more than an excuse to sit on ones posterier and drink beer all day and....Oh. I see. Nevermind.

Photo by: Carlos Porto/

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Turtle Camping

Turtle people are fascinating.

You know who I mean. The ones who creep the highways of our country with all the modern conveniences of home away from home attached to their vehicles. I believe you call them RV campers.

I don't really get it. I thought the concept of camping was to get away from all your modern day conveniences and experience living like a cavedweller. Why cook food on a stick when you brought your stove? Why drive hundreds of kilometers to mosquito infested forests when you have a screen door? You cannot live like a Neanderthal when you brought your plumbing and toilet paper. You're only experiencing part of the misery. Why not stay home and save yourself the effort?

Photo by: frederico stevanin/

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Cave Dwelling

What is it about summer that transforms humans back into unwashed primitives? The weird concept of cooking your food over fire was one thing, but camping is quite another.
 You have perfectly good dwellings at home, yet you voluntarily traipse off into the wilderness, abandoning your electricity and plumbing, just so you can sleep in wee canvas and plastic huts.
I don't understand this"Roughing it" concept. Am I to understand you people will drive hundreds of kilometers so you can sleep in tents with no light and no heating? And you do this for enjoyment? That you hunt for your own dinner in small craft with inefficent poles meant to only catch one fish at a time? That you cook your food over ancient means of open flame? Why go through the trouble of inventing toilets if you are content to pee in the bush? Your ancestors would laugh themselves sick....Actually they would run screaming and making hexing signs, but that's besides the point.
Let's say you are seeking to remove yourselves from the hassles of modern day life, go back to a simpler time. How does that explain the RV?


Thursday, May 19, 2011

Caveman Cooking

      Ugh... What is wrong with you humans? You have all this technology. Cell phones,  computers, cars and more. Yet you insist on cooking your food like common Neanderthals.
     I speak of the Barbeque.

     Believe me, I remember your kind cooking your food over fire. You were scared to death of it, but somehow determined that it tasted better when shoved into leftover lightning strikes.

     Even stranger is your need to create advanced contraptions to cook over an open flame. And GAS. Not afraid of the hot stuff anymore are you? Your ancestors would be running for the mountains, hooting and bellowing...

     Is that a burger? With all the fixings? And potato salad on the side? Well, okay maybe just a bite...

Mmmmmmmmm....Barbarianism never tasted so good!

Photo by: Dino De Luca/

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Photography isn't cheesy.

This is my writer’s publicity shot. She had to pose, tilting her chin and head in various angles for over an hour, and this is the only picture she thinks actually catches her  personality.
She found the process tedious, but I think cameras are fascinating. Photography is interesting. Imagine taking the essence of one’s appearance and putting it on paper!
It’s a click and an explosion of light, and suddenly there is an image of the faces you know and love there on a screen, ready to be processed and put into a frame.
Eden had no such things. We never felt the need to process another’s essence, not when we can feel their pure selves in our hearts.
I understand why you do it, though. You humans have no telepathy. No means to envelope yourselves in the totality of a person. Not to mention your notoriously short lifespans.
I think it’s sweet that you can love enough that you’ll invent contraptions that will allow you to keep memories of those you love. But why do you all insist you look pasty and fat?

Photo by:Karen Bursey/ Photography By Karen
Edmonton, AB

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Jumping for Spring

Spring is here! Spring is here!

I have a new sympathy for you humans. In Eden the temperature is always moderate, the seasons always warm and full of flowers and tickling breezes. The weather is always the same-beautiful. Only when one does not get to experience such pleasures for months at a time can one truly appreciate their return.
Even the rain is welcome. I will take that over the snow ANY DAY.  It’s time to rake the yard and break out the patio furniture! I can’t wait to hang out on the deck with a few brews or fire up the BBQ…..Oh dear. I’m starting to sound very human, aren’t I?

Photo by: m_bartosch/

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Jesus, and Bunnies, and Eggs, oh my!

I just had my first Easter experience on your planet. This holiday is for that lovely Jesus fellow you humans like so much. He was a very nice man, full of wonderful ideas. Too bad you humans strung him up.
Of course you know it takes more than a couple of spikes and a prickly hat to kill one of our kind. And I have to say that disappearing trick in the tomb really got you guys didn’t it? Took him seriously then, didn’t you?
What I don’t understand is how you got rabbits and brightly colored eggs out of the whole ordeal. I can assure you that no matter how pretty you paint chicken embryos I know I wouldn’t eat them.

Photo by Grant Cochrane/

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Did you miss me?

Well, Hello there! Sorry I've been away for awhile. First it was that nasty hangover, and then it was.....Why is there drool all over my keyboard? What are these posts about-Eating humans? JIM-THING?!  What was HE doing here?!
I leave my blog for a few lousy weeks and my arch nemesis threatens my readers?!
Here I am-all excited to tell you that my story is coming out in the summer through Vamptasy Publishing as an e-book, and that ugly bastard comes in and takes over my blog?!
Excuse me---I have to go kick some demon ass.
Oh yeah-this is the cover. Photo was by shutterstock photos and my writer picked it out. My brilliant publisher Nicola Omerod found the perfect font. ;)

Thursday, April 14, 2011

How to Serve Humankind

Do you know why you humans make such nice snacks? It's not just because you come in so many sizes, flavors and colors.

It's your individual lifestyle choices as well.
Smokers have an interesting woodsy flavor, whereas a health nut is a fresh change when you're in the mood for something leaner.
If you go a drinking establishment, I don't have to marinate you, you've done it for me. Talk about convenience!
My favorite is fast food....And it's easy to prepare.
All I do is show up and roar in your faces. You run. As fast as you can.
     Let those salty sweaty juices flow! Let the spicy adrenaline rush through your veins! These two seasonings combine for the perfect favor. Amount of doneness depends on how hungry I am and how much fun I'm having. Human is best served raw, although I have considered eating you people with a light sear on the barbeque for a little more tenderness.
     Either way, I wouldn't recommend YOU try it neccessarily. I have no idea how your species eats meat with such flat teeth.

Photo by: Simon Howden

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Psst...C'mere, human.

Come to the screen. A little closer. Closer....
YAAARGH!! Stupid computer screens....What's the point of talking to prey through a blog if you can't reach in and grab them?
I mean I'm not into a habit of talking to my food. Not until I got here, anyway. But it IS interesting-using pick up lines like bait. Or advertising. Or on line scams. Hmmmm....There's plenty of ways to catch a human.
Maybe I should stick around awhile. I mean you people certainly are tasty and gulible. I could really learn to like it here. It's an all you can eat buffet that never closes. I'll almost feel sorry when my brethren and I take control of your planet. Too bad I don't feel anything.

Next blog! How to serve man....on a plate with a side of flies!

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Hello? Is this thing on?

Hello? Is this thing on?

So….This is the loathsome one’s so called ‘blog’. Mine now! I can use this to lure unsuspecting victims to my lair...I mean...camper.
You humans come in such a variety of sizes, flavors, and colors. The beauty of eating sentient food is their reaction to being eaten. If you can get the right amount of fear and adrenaline, it adds a little spice. Already dead folks taste like chicken.
On second thought, I don’t like this blogging. Through this box I can speak to millions of your kind, but I can’t eat them. It’s like a vending machine, and I have no currency.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Dawn of the Dead after Beer

     I am dying. Headaches and nausea. The world swims before my eyes while I look for convenient places to launch my lunch from my suffering stomach. I’ve been told this is my first hangover.
     I am not being dramatic. I’ve said it before, and you people have proven me correct time and time again-You are all crazy.
     Is this a ritual to initiate unsuspecting new mortals like me? Is it supposed to be this painful?  Well it’s not funny.
     At least no one painted me like they did Peter. The smell of Sharpie Markers and peach lip gloss turn my stomach, over and over and ov….(urp!)
      Screw this. I’m going back to bed.

Photo by:Michal Marcol/

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Why is my beer green?

     I like beer.  You humans, particularly Canadians, have a certain affinity for it.
     You drink it at sports games, while watching sports on TV, sitting on the patio, sitting in the basement, standing in a bar.
     You drink it at weddings, graduations, or because it’s Saturday and it’s warm out. Which isn’t sush a bad idea. Don’t mind if I have another.
     And there’s so many kinds. The whole planet makes some type of beer. Tsintao, Tuborg, Heinieken, did I spell that right?
      Did you know we don’t have beer in Eden? And we shertainly don’t have clamato juice there. Probably a good thing. Yuck. Who would put mollusks in perfec(hic)-ly good beer?
     I like limes. I like limes in my Corona. Now THAT’S good beer! I even like thish green crap.
     I like beer…Did I menshun that? There’s only one thing wrong with it. The bottles are too small.
     Sho glad you invented a holiday for thish shtuff!
     Es-shoos me…I need another.  

Photo by: Filomena Scalise/

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Save the Daylights!

A whole day dedicated to saving daylight? I don't get it. I didn't know there was a shortage. We're in a lot of trouble here....

This is another holiday ritual I don't understand, right?

Is this the reason I had to get a watch? So I could turn it forward an hour on Sunday? How strange. What does it mean?

Wait...Excuse me? I have to get up an hour earlier?! That doesn't sound like much of a holiday at all! You humans are crazy...

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Pedicures what ails me.

I found it! Paradise on Earth! And there's so many of them.  I believe you call them 'spas'.

Never before have I experienced such pampered, delightful...relaxing....zzzz.

Whoops. I digress. I love what all the slimy concoctions they put on my face do to my skin. After several hundred years, I felt I needed some help. Not to mention your unpredictable weather and gravity has tainted my glow. Hmph!

And the massage! Oh that IS a measure of heaven. I could have used those after some long flights. Mind you, I don't know how the masseuse would have worked around my wings...

But my favorite is the pedicure! Now that I spend my time walking rather than flying, my feet have become alarmingly crusty. So someone shaves them for me and painted my nails with any color I choose? It's divine. And shiny.

They tell me I'm ready for flip-flop season.
Flip-flop season? Oh dear, that doesn't sound good....How much flopping are we talking about?

Photo by africa/

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Cutting to the chase about cutlery

     I don't get cutlery. As much as I love earth food, this has been a struggle for me. Using a fork at the same time as a knife is a daunting task. If you have two perfectly good hands, why can't you use those to eat?

     In Eden we had no such tools. All our food was raw, unprocessed and fresh from the vines that grew them. We required  no etiquette and no table manners. For one thing, we had no tables.

     I think your species invented utensils because yours is the only one that cooks it's food. I say that if your food is too hot to the touch than let it cool. Or eat it raw.
     Why can't I simply drink my soup from the bowl? Why must I use a knife to put peanut butter on bread? My hand is bigger. Wouldn't it simply be easier to eat peas like grapes rather than scooping them with a pronged instrument? Why eat fruit with your hands, but fruit salad with a spoon? Don't get me started on chopsticks!
     Sigh. These rules are so confusing, it makes me want to throw my handful of mashed potatos in the air in disgust...

Photo by: Carlos Porto

Thursday, February 17, 2011


     What in the name of the Energy is wrong with your

Halflings? You know, the ones that aren’t quite 

 miniatures and not fully grown humans? They’re very 

strange. They appear to be nocturnal and are fueled by 

Red Bull, cola and MacDonalds. There are two in my 

family unit and I can’t understand either one.

     The male, I am told, is not typical. He’s very smart. 

The female Halfling is obsessed with male Halflings. Both spend a lot of time on confusers…Oh I’m sorry-

computers. Perhaps I was right the first time. They do seem very confused most of the time. When do they 

grow out of it..?  Do they grow out of it?

Photo by: Tina Phillips

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Sweet Nothing

     Ah, Valentine’s Day….My very first one. A whole entire day 
dedicated to celebrating the one you love. How come there’s only one? 
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we gave and received flowers and 
chocolate everyday? (Again with the food, you humans are obsessed 
with the stuff) And we could have teddy bears and lingerie, and devote 
more time to cuddling and telling each other how much we wuv each 
other and….What am I saying? Was I just waxing poetic and making 
baby talk ? Yuck. Good thing Valentine’s Day only comes once a year.

Photo by: Nutdanai Apikhomboonwaroot

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Birthday Blues

     Uh-oh. I just looked at the calender...
It's here again. My writer's birthday. Hide the liquor!   
     Ohhh...this one's going to be rough. She's thirty-nine on Saturday.
     Every year, around this time of year, she whines and moans about her weight, her hair, her wrinkles and her misspent youth. Isn't she a little young for a mid-life crisis?
     Wah,wah, wah. Can you imagine what she'll be like next year? When she's forty?
     She thinks she's old? I'm so old, I don't remember the first one hundred years.
     She worries about her career? I nearly blew up the universe at my last job. How's that for stress? I was in charge of the welfare of The Energy. How's that for responsibility?

     She's worried that she's not a good enough writer. Nonsense! She's a genius! After all, she created me, right?
     Happy Birthday to my writer-the woman who gave me existence. Cheer up, Mrs. M-- cause I'm fantastic.
     Hmmmm....What do you get for the woman who has me?

Photo by: Idea go

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Sofa so good-but it gets bed-der

     Until I came to this planet and experienced your weather I had no idea why your kind would want to live indoors. Now I understand. Then I couldn’t understand why your kind would want to put things to bump into inside these shelters, other than aesthetic value.
     I’ve learned the reasons for a table and chairs. It’s so that you can eat with plates, cups and utensils. Apparently eating peanut butter with your hands is impolite.
     I’ve learned that couches are things you recline on while watching cartoons and other such television things.
     But it’s my bed I’ve fallen in love with! Eden has no such things as fluffy pillows. Its temperate climate required no soothing comforters. Never mind the squishy, melty, marshmallow mattresses! Yes, I understand the reason for furniture. Now I need to invent more reasons to stay in bed!