Thursday, November 20, 2014

Another Year, Another Novel and I'm Still Here.

My desk is rarely this clean. I needed to take a picture.

After two long years, I've finally finished 'Chasing Monsters'. I almost thought I'd never get there, and it still feels like the last day of school.

This one was the hardest. Several things happened, ordinary hardships that hit everyone. One of the people I made a character in this book passed away. Books sales waned, my marriage struggled, I lost my beloved cat Sully, left Edmonton Paranormal and lost friends.

I didn't think it was anything to get depressed about. But it happened anyway. It's hard to write about.

It took me six months to realize I was depressed. It took four more to realize I might need medication for it. Sometimes I wrote because I was feeling better, sometimes I wrote because I felt like I had to. Sometimes I wrote because it felt like that was the only thing I had left. It made for some interesting editing, I can tell you that!

I didn't WANT to be depressed. Surely this is just something I should just 'get over', right? I wanted to be HAPPY, dammit! Who doesn't want to be happy? Who in their right mind wants to be miserable all the time?
Me and Ariel here are fine.

I denied the depression until I found myself crying constantly and actively wishing for death. Not suicide...just praying for a heart attack or a car accident to take me out of here.

Those were some dangerous thoughts. So I went on medication. Medication doesn't really help, at least not for me. It's like chewing a Nicorette for smoking. It takes the edge off, but the gnawing itch doesn't really leave. Not until it's done with you, and you don't know when that will be.

I dropped the pills and went to therapy, where I purged my heart. Much better. Too bad it isn't this easy for everyone. I'm okay and getting better, but I can't help but feel like the universe officially spanked me for every time I ever thought a person should just 'get over it' when they're depressed. I have been educated.

I hid mine as hard as I could, because I didn't feel I deserved to be depressed. I remind myself constantly that my life is Not. That. Hard.The truth is, it can hit anyone, just like any illness. You could be next. Scary, eh?

I think I'm coming out of it, and finishing Chasing Monsters has helped so much. I'm writing new material, and have discovered mediation, something I swore was a stupid waste of time. I'm always looking for new ways to reconnect to humanity and the world. I'm feeling okay these days. Wish me luck. I wish you all the luck in the world and happiness too.

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